Sub-editors overdose on astronauts getting high and spaced out

Written by Peter File

THE Australian Press Council has appealed for calm after news agency AFP released a story concerning the discovery of a bag of white powder at NASA’s Kennedy Space Centre in Florida.

Journalists were initially worked into a scotch-tainted lather at the prospect of a story containing the previously unused phrase “intergalactic terrorism”, however a late update to the story has caused massive unrest amongst sub-editors.

The powder was found not to be anthrax, but rather 6.5 grams of cocaine. Police investigating the find later revised that figure to 4.2 grams.

Scores of sub-editors have been hospitalised after suffering minor strokes and heart attacks in the wake of the story.

Neurologists claim to have witnessed the phenomenon several times before, citing the inability of the sub-editor mind to cope with a multitude of possible headlines containing more than one pun.

“It was unnamed until recently,” said Dr Paul Woodward, consultant at the Royal Melbourne Hospital. “However owing to the fact that the severity of the condition is in direct proportion to the number of puns within puns within puns, it is now known as Inception Syndrome.”

Online shoppers responsible for apocalypse, says robber baron

Written by Logan Bluetooth

BILLIONAIRE and all around nice guy Gerry Harvey claims to have irrefutable proof that Australians shopping online are solely responsible for the imminent apocalypse and expected destruction of the planet.

Earlier this week, Harvey and several other members of his retail oligarchy took out full-page newspaper advertisements to warn the public that continuing to make online purchases of under $1000 would lead to a gruesome end for the human race, with demonic pterodactyls and fiery pits of molten lava almost a certainty.

Undeterred by the well-financed prophecies of Harvey and his grim band of doomsayers, several online retailers decided to tempt fate by targeting Australian consumers with “Nothing over $1000!” sales.

Infuriated by what he saw as a blatant and callous disregard for Mother Earth, Harvey cited several recent cases of previously unexplainable instances of mass animal deaths around the world that he now believes are the work of online shoppers.

Flocks of birds, casts of crabs and schools of fish have all died en masse in the past week, baffling scientists and setting the loins of conspiracy theorists a tingling.

Harvey wore a black cloak as he presented the evidence at a press conference this morning, ominously announcing, “It hath begun…” before bowing his head and slowly pacing off stage whilst reciting various unintelligible but presumably ancient prayers for mercy.

Letters From The Editor: Bear vs Lion

To Whom In The Watchtower It May Concern,

I write in response to the pamphlet one of your willing servants recently placed in my letterbox. I understand that you may distribute many of these unsolicited gems across our fair land, so to narrow it down, this particular pamphlet was entitled “Life in a Peaceful New World”. Despite the temptation, I have no intention of judging you for your bizarre use of italics and bold, lest I be judged.

Before I reach my point, however, I must take issue with your policy of not providing an email address for correspondence. What is this, The Dark Ages? Every other cult on the planet has an email address, what makes you so special? If you’re going to drop unsolicited religious material in letterboxes, it’s only fair that you receive unsolicited emails from the many daughters of the former Nigerian finance minister like the rest of us. Anyhow, enough digression. The point.

I consider animal safety to be one of the most overlooked and important issues that we as a species face today. As the housing estate-covered tentacles of humanity creep further into the wild, it is inevitable that Man shall come into contact with all manner of beasts, some of which cannot be neutralised by conventional jet-ski attacks alone. These creatures cannot be tamed, unless they are raised by humans, have their teeth and claws removed at birth and their jaws wired shut.

Whilst I understand the necessity of conveying a harmonious, strife-free utopia to potential disciples, the illustrations contained within this pamphlet serve only to obfuscate and put the slow-witted at risk of being disembowelled by a hairy brute with paws the size of dinner plates. Perhaps the only accuracy in the scene depicting a woman and child petting and hand-feeding a grizzly bear is the expression on the face of the deer: partly shocked by the gross stupidity on display, but equally delighted there won’t be enough room in the bear’s stomach for a third course.

When you look at the scene on this tract, what feelings do you have? Does not your heart yearn for the peace, happiness, and prosperity seen there? Surely it does. But is it just a dream, or fantasy, to believe these conditions will ever exist on earth?


Let me answer your questions with several questions of my own: in which parallel universe would a father think it wise to wave his infant daughter under the snout of a lion? Have I been misinformed about your beliefs and practices, and is this man in actual fact offering a child sacrifice to your lion god? Do you honestly believe that a lion and a bear could share the same territory for more than five seconds without becoming embroiled in a fracas of epic proportions?

Frankly, this is by far one of the most preposterous, ill-considered and downright dangerous pamphlets I have ever come across. Bear and lion awareness in Australia is already at a treacherously low level, and this manner of tripe does nothing but assist its plummet to the bottom.

If Surf Life Saving Australia produced a pamphlet depicting floaty-clad children frolicking in the shallows with great white sharks and kraken, along with text suggesting that such harmony would be possible if people would only swim between the flags, they would be quite rightly be hung, drawn and quartered.

Cherish these halcyon days of irresponsible drawings and unaccountable junk mail, you cheeky Witnesses of Jehovah, because I can assure you they are numbered. The immunity you are afforded whilst clad in the cloak of religion shall last only as long as this country lacks a leader who has lost a loved one to the jaws of a beast that inhabits the pinnacle of the food chain.

Yours in artistic integrity,


Eoinín McAlpine

Ducks on lake: witnesses horrified, say they were eating soggy bread too

Written by Annette Curtain

TRAUMATISED park-goers have bravely recounted their own experiences of what shall henceforth be known as Wet Tuesday, one of the darkest and soggiest days in Australia’s history. Shortly after midday on Tuesday, reports began to emerge that ducks had been sighted on several lakes across the country, openly paddling and in some cases – quacking and eating soggy bread.

Tony Burke, Federal Minister for Sustainability, Environment, Water, Population, Communities and Whatever Else You’ve Got, slammed the ducks for what he described as a “cynical bread grab” and said park enthusiasts had every right to be sickened and appalled by the behaviour of the waterbirds.

“I think working families who enjoy a walk in the park deserve a lot better, especially on Melbourne Cup day…it’s no wonder Australian mums and dads are so fed up with ducks when you see this sort of thing going on.”

Adding insult to injury, authorities have revealed they are powerless to act against the ducks that orchestrated the mass paddle-in. Having fled the country, the arrogant mallards remain at large, leaving behind a plethora of traumatised park-goers and a trail of soggy bread. There are rumours that the ducks have flown in a southerly direction, possibly in a V formation, in what will seem to their victims as an all too convenient seasonal migration.

While those who were exposed to the orgy of quacking expect to be in therapy for quite some time, others who regularly patronise parks have signalled their intent to vote with their feet and visit locations that are uninviting to ducks.

“We’ve had a bloody gutful of these bloody ducks,” said Keith, a working father of five from Narre Warren. “After a hard week at work, I just want to take the family to a large body of water without having to deal with bloody ducks terrorising us. So we’re switching from a lake to a pond; we definitely think we’ll be better off.”

Public urination, tits and glassings too much for Channel 10

Written by Peter File

BARELY a week after premiering on Australian television, it has emerged that several episodes of Channel 10’s new reality show Undercover Boss have been shelved, possibly permanently. Although the network has a reputation for being as concerned with tasteful programming as they are with quantum physics and the plight of the Beluga Sturgeon, station bosses have canned at least two episodes, deeming them too risqué for Australian audiences.

The show centres on a senior executive or business owner going undercover in their own company as an entry-level fork and spoon operator, where they spend a few days lifting heavy objects and rubbing shoulders with the great unwashed. At the conclusion of their week roughing it, the executives reveal their true identity, allowing the unskilled workers to laugh, cry, or contact their union, depending on what transpired during the week.

While Channel 10’s publicity department have remained uncharacteristically tight-lipped on the matter, station sources have revealed the identities of the bosses left on the cutting room floor.

First to get the chop was Collingwood Football Club president Eddie McGuire, who went undercover as the club’s new centre-half forward. Despite being clad in an unflatteringly snug club jersey and failing to kick a single goal or point, McGuire’s rotund figure and constant wheezing failed to raise a single eyebrow amongst his new teammates. Ironically, McGuire was exposed only after objecting to Chris Dawes exposing himself and urinating on a waitress in a King street strip club. Dawes, despite now being aware of McGuire’s identity, responded by glassing the president.

In what must have been a tremendously difficult choice for the network – astronomical ratings but almost certain litigation from someone, somewhere – an episode featuring former David Jones chief executive and professional letch Mark McInnes was also dropped. The episode, filmed just weeks before the DJ’s boss was hit with a $37 million sexual harassment suit, featured McInnes going undercover in the women’s underwear department as a bra-fitter.

Had the case not been settled out of court, it is understood that the majority of Kristy Fraser-Kirk’s seven surprise witnesses were shop assistants who worked alongside McInnes during filming of the Undercover Boss episode. Several complaints were also received from customers, apparently unhappy with McInnes’ unorthodox technique for measuring breast size. David Jones refused to comment on the episode, however a spokesperson clarified that all bra-fitters employed by the store are required to use tape measures and are not permitted to perform “free-hand” evaluations under any circumstances.

Straight Outta Melbourne: From the CPT to the ALP

Written by Peter File

LEATHERY former Prime Minister Bob “Punter” Hawke once famously wagered $500 on the larger of two blowflies crawling up the wall of his office. The proud Australian tradition of betting on dunny budgies is unremarkable in itself, until one considers the fact that prior to laying money down, Hawke had witnessed Paul Keating (treasurer at the time) flicking the fly in question with a wet tea towel. Undeterred and well-known for his love of an underdog, Hawke slapped his money down and watched in delight as the now mono-winged creature staged an improbable come from behind victory.

Until today, this was considered by most pundits to have been the biggest gamble ever taken in Australian politics. Fittingly, it is the Labor Party that has rewritten the history books again. Just two days out from one of the closest elections ever, they have disendorsed Cath Bowtell, their candidate for the seat of Melbourne, and replaced her with Ice Cube, former member of seminal gangsta rap ensemble NWA.

Labor heavyweights and political analysts are split on the move; Kerry O’Brien labelled it as “unadulterated political genius”, whilst heavyweight Laurie Oakes described it as “electoral suicide in its purest form”.

The precise reason for the sudden switch in candidates is not entirely clear as yet, however some have suggested that Labor strategists were concerned that Bowtell was perceived as being soft on crime and punishment. Cube, on the other hand, has made it abundantly clear that he intends to base the majority of his policies around crime and punishment. This is expected to play well in Melbourne, which is currently experiencing a large spike in serious assaults, robberies, and serious assaults and robberies with large spikes.

Opposition leader Tony Abbott struggled to find fault with Cube’s tough stance on absolutely everything, instead criticising the hastily prepared campaign material. Abbott’s previous admission that “I’m no Bill Gates” was reinforced after he claimed that Labor staffers had “clearly used some sort of high-tech computer version of Clag and a photocopier” to attach Cube’s head to a white woman’s body.

A Labor spokesperson criticised Mr Abbott for attempting to bring skin colour into the debate, but acknowledged some campaign material had undergone minor editing with Microsoft Paint due to budget constraints. Cube later issued a profanity-laden statement that described the opposition leader as a “nuttin’ but a mark-ass sucka who probably gonna get got if he keep runnin’ his mouth like that”.

Letters From The Editor: Informality Breeds Contempt

Written by Eoinín McAlpine

Dear Emma Boardman, Head of Central Underwriting and bestower of munificence,

Thank you kindly for your recent letter. Although dated almost three weeks ago, its significantly profound contribution to the respective worlds of finance and linguistic interpretation had not diminished.

It was with great delight that I learnt that my “recent informal request for an overdraft” had been approved. And by great delight, I mean utter confusion and disbelief, considering the last communiqué I threw your way was what I considered to be a fairly formal request to have my account closed.

The subsequent paragraphs offered little to dull my sense of dissatisfaction. The convoluted explanation of what exactly constitutes an “informal request” according to HSBC was, at best, an excellent example of the type of half-arsed grammar and wasted words that organisations of your ilk are renowned for.

Most dictionaries define informal as, unsurprisingly, being without formality and ceremony, a bit casual. For example, say I wanted to make an informal request for an overdraft with a bank. Personally, I think making informal requests to banks is a bit daft, considering their track record of requiring ridiculous levels of formality for even the most immaterial request, but I’ll persist with this in order to make a point.

So, an informal request for an overdraft facility. One could saunter into their local branch, pay scant regard to any queue and sidle up to the teller, shoot the breeze about the weather or the local sporting team, and then just drop in casually at the end “Oh, yeah, can I have an overdraft?” before leaving without signing anything or providing any information to the teller other than one’s nickname. Pretty informal, I think you’ll agree.

Alas, this is not what happened between you and I. It was more like this:

ME: Hey, Emma, can you please shut that door? I don’t need it open ever again.
YOU: Hi Owen, we are pleased to announce that your informal request for an annual subscription to Marie Claire magazine has been approved!
ME: The door’s still open.

I must say that even whilst England lies in smouldering ruins from a crippling recession brought on by manifestly irresponsible lending practices, it is refreshing to come across a bank looking to forget that unfortunate chapter in financial history and get on with the job of handing out debt to those least able to service it, or in this case, people who didn’t ask for it in the first place.

Perhaps you could extend this glorious new policy of informality to other areas of your business. Review CCTV footage from branches, and issue a mortgage to any customer observed glancing at posters advertising your current variable interest rate. Or, alternatively, you could just close my account and never contact me ever again.

Yours informally,


Eoinín McAlpine