Police to have power to get their nude on

Written by Frank Serpico

POLICE will soon have sexy new powers to strip for people at random, even if there is no reasonable suspicion those targeted are into that sort of thing.

The ''stop and strip'' tactic is part of a steamy new law and order crackdown set to be passed by those dirty old perverts in State Parliament, despite the Government conceding that the legislation breaches the Human Rights Charter, albeit in a sexy way.

Legal experts have labelled the proposed laws, which will enable officers to strip for children and the disabled, as an unorthodox and surprisingly kinky reaction to the problem of drunken violence.

Under the legislation, police will also be given the right to use whipped cream, nipple tassels and other stripper props if they believe that wielding their batons in a suggestive manner won’t cut the mustard with their captive audience.

Police Minister and fishnet stocking enthusiast Archibald Roberts says the wide-ranging legislation was necessary to further degrade social standards, and the stripping powers were aimed at preventing an explosion in knife-related violence.

''Police are detecting more young people with knives and when you look at the research, there’s only one thing that the deranged young folk of today find more arousing than knife fights and Twitter, and that’s hardcore nudity,'' Mr Roberts said.

''We've seen that happen in some cities in the United States and especially in London. In London, instead of sticking blades in people, kids are sticking £5 notes in police crevices.

''It’s not just an effective tactic against knife attacks; it’s also a great way for police officers to collect bribes.''

But Mr Roberts' lurid fantasies have been rejected by straight-laced senior lawyers who believe the ''stop and strip'' powers will be misused and are likely to target randy minorities such as delivery drivers, plumbers, Trekkies, and milkmen.

Prudish barrister Paul Frame, president of professional buzz killers Liberty Victoria, said the bill was undemocratic. ''It will clearly involve significant intrusions on ordinary civil liberties and human rights, such as the right to walk the streets and not have a police officer force you to watch them get their kit off to You Sexy Thing,'' he said.

Mr Roberts, who acknowledges areas of his legislation fall outside the Charter of Human Rights, said: ''I acknowledge areas of my legislation fall outside the Charter of Human Rights. And?''

Fred Shellman, chief cold spoon dispenser at the Sex Addiction Legal Clinic, said Mr Roberts' reasoning was spurious. ''Talking about naughty cops in London and America is just vague political posturing that leads to people feeling horny, when statistics show there's no reason they should. It makes my job harder, quite literally in fact.''

The raunchy police powers are being introduced under the Summary Offences and Control of Almost Everything Acts Amendment Bill, which has the firm and passionate support of all the major political parties.

Under the bill, anyone can be subjected to an impromptu police strip show if they are in a designated area. Any area can be designated if it contains land on which a crime could potentially be committed. Big events such as the weekend or days occurring between Monday and Friday can also be targeted.

TMG believes perpetually grumpy police Chief Commissioner Herbert Britches pushed for the new powers after becoming frustrated with the lack of police nudity on his watch. Mr Britches refused to be interviewed about the legislation, sparing us the arduous task of remaining awake and taking notes whilst listening to his monotonous cop voice.

Jude Law tries to drown dog, attacks owner

Written by Peter File

A FARMER was almost drowned by serial pants man Jude Law after he dived into his dam to save his pet dog.

Bruce McDougall, 49, of Arthur's Creek, is being assessed by Austin Hospital surgeons after being mauled by the diminutive lothario this morning. He only managed to end the attack when he elbowed Law in the throat as he tried to hold him under water.

By then he had already suffered a deep gash across his abdomen as Law tried to disembowel him with his carefully manicured fingernails, as well as a deep gash across his forehead and further deep cuts and scratches across his chest.

Speaking from the hospital's emergency department, Mr McDougall exclusively told TMG he was walking his dog Ralph at the back of his property when they awoke Law, who had been sleeping hidden in long grass near the dam.

When the startled actor ran into the dam, Ralph followed, barking before Law grabbed the dog with his delicately moisturised hands and held him under the water for about 20 seconds, until Mr McDougall arrived to save his dog.

"I thought I might take a hit or two dragging the dog out from under his grip, but I didn't expect him to actually attack me,'' Mr McDougall said.

"I was stuck having to hold onto the dog with both hands because it was half drowned and I couldn't really see anything because Jude Law was scratching at my face with his fingernails.

"It was a shock at the start because it was Jude Law. I mean, The Talented Mr Ripley? You wouldn’t expect him to attack a salad, let alone an actual person.

"Then all of a sudden I realised he’d opened up a wide gash above my eye and blinded me.

"I was flailing away underwater carrying a dog with Jude Law ripping into me.

"All I could do was just keep pushing for the bank while he was trying to tie his neckerchief around my throat at a jaunty angle, so at that point I elbowed him in the throat and that made him back off a little bit.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to watch Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow quite the same as I used to - it might bring back a couple of bad memories."

Wildlife authorities took the opportunity to remind the public that due to changing temperatures, Jude Law season now occurs between November and February and that sensible shoes and thick socks should be worn when walking in long grass.

Insurance company finds cure for depression: sun, sand and strippers

Written by Annette Curtain

FACEBOOK has helped a Canadian insurance company discover a cure for depression, paving the way for the social networking behemoth and other civic-minded corporations to solve the ills of the world.

Nathalie Blanchard, 29, took long-term sick leave from her job at IBM more than a year ago for severe depression.

After noticing that her monthly benefits had ceased to be paid, Ms Blanchard called her insurance company, Manulife. She was both shocked and delighted to learn that she had helped Manulife find a cure for depression.

Manulife had been on Facebook with the intention of giving Ms Blanchard a virtual poke and buying some sheep for her virtual farm, but figured it may as well check out her photos too. As it trawled through her albums, Manulife found images of Ms Blanchard stuffing money in the sequined g-string of a Chippendale, celebrating her birthday and bathing in the sun in little more than a bikini.

Shockingly, Ms Blanchard was observed to be smiling in all of the photos.

It was previously thought that those suffering from clinical depression refused to observe birthdays and would avoid sunlight at all costs, not unlike vampires. The illness was also understood to cause previously healthy people to lose all interest in sequined g-strings.

However in light of these observations and in an embarrassing blow to those with actual medical qualifications, Manulife is confident that it has cured the disease once and for all.

Psychiatric patients across the country are now being clad in skimpy swimsuits and sent outside, where they are given wads of cash to stuff down the sequined unmentionables of gyrating strippers.

Dinosaur to taxi chief: RAWWWRRR!

Written by Myles Long

PEOPLE are entitled to be concerned for their safety if a carnivorous dinosaur is allowed to drive a taxi, a court has heard.

Annabelle Crowe, who has a law degree, said safety and good personal hygiene were reasonable public expectations, and people who travelled in taxis with a dinosaur were vulnerable.

"What is the public at large likely to think about the accreditation of a prehistoric beast with a penchant for meat?" Ms Crowe said in the Supreme Court.

"Will they feel safe? Will the dinosaur use deodorant, or play ethnic music loudly?"

She argued the Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal had made legal errors in overturning the Director of Public Transport's refusal of a taxi accreditation to a feathered Velociraptor, who can be identified only as Mr Biteypants. The director is appealing against the VCAT ruling allowing the previously extinct creature to drive taxis.

Mr Biteypants, who ate a postman in 1990 but was acquitted of murder after successfully using the “But I’m a dinosaur!” defence, spent years in a theme park designed by Steven Spielberg.

Any person who eats a public servant is automatically refused taxi accreditation.

Ms Crowe said Mr Biteypants had eaten a public servant, and therefore should have to wear a muzzle and eat his meals through a straw from now on.

She said labelling dinosaurs on the basis of what they had done might be unfair to them, but that’s just how we roll down at Parliament.

Mr Biteypants’ barrister Peter Bellendé said eating postmen should not automatically disqualify a taxi driver.

"It’s discriminatory to carnivores," Mr Bellendé said. “Mr Biteypants can’t help who he is. Why should a Diplodocus get to drive a taxi just because they’re some gay vegan dinosaur?”

The hearing is expected to continue next week, assuming the defendant doesn’t eat the judge.

Freddo Frog charged with receiving stolen boy

Written by Eoinín McAlpine

A GIANT chocolate frog has been charged with receiving an Aboriginal boy allegedly stolen from a supermarket in regional Western Australia.

Wildlife experts say the delicious frog has no prior convictions.

Freddo been charged with receiving the boy, allegedly stolen by his friend, Perth racing identity Kevin ‘Caramello’ Koala, and faces a second charge involving the receipt of a 1kg bag of insects stolen from a fishing supplies store.

The frog will face Northam Amphibian Court, about 100km from Perth, on Monday.

His lawyer, Amphibian Legal Service chief Jeremy Fisher, has asked police to withdraw the charges but has not received a response.

"It's scandalous that a frog should be subject to prosecution for a case of this type," he croaked.

Mr Fisher said Freddo had missed an earlier court date because of a family misunderstanding and was apprehended and locked in a cell devoid of both water and lily pads for several hours.

A WA police spokesman said it's appropriate to have the court deal with the frog, because police have been forced to speak to him about other matters previously.

Fox News discovers 'significant amount' of conservative commentators on the Moon

Written by Logan Bluetooth

FOX NEWS has found 'a significant amount' of conservative commentators skulking about inside a crater on the Moon in a discovery that could pave the way for fair and balanced lunar reporting.

The network announced that last month's audacious attempt to smash two spacecraft into the Moon's rocky surface to find opinions that aren’t gay was a major success.

The $59million bombing raid threw up a mile-high plume of quasi-journalists with refreshingly sensible views, including a large cluster of anti-immigration supporters who had been locked away in a deep crater at the lunar south pole. The bottom of the crater had not seen light for billions of years, which served only to exacerbate their prejudice against dark matter.

The revelation may bring closer the day when Fox News creates a permanent lunar base, using the conservative commentators buried in the rocks to enlighten nearby liberal planets such as Jupiter, whose surface is currently obscured by violent storms of cafe lattes, Noam Chomsky essays and sun-dried tomatoes.

A spokesman for Fox News said last night: 'The discovery opens a new chapter in our understanding of the Moon, which was previously thought to be nothing but delicious cheese.'

There were fears that last month's experiment had failed when the collision of the two spacecraft failed to produce the expected six-mile-high cloud of awesomeness. Live pictures relayed from the Moon showed no sign of an impact, even though the crafts crashed as planned.

But yesterday, Fox News experts who studied the data said instruments trained on the impact saw a significant amount of conservative commentary rising from the surface, including easily identifiable phrases such as ‘it’s political correctness gone mad!’ and ‘I’m not a racist, but Martians should go back to Mars’.

Dr Tony Calabrese, from the Fox News Truth Detection Centre, said: 'Indeed, yes, we found conservative commentators. And we didn't find just one or two, we found a significant amount, enough to man a whole new intergalactic network. We are ecstatic.'

Warner Gluten, chief lunar scientist at Fox News headquarters in Washington, added: 'We're unlocking the mysteries of our nearest neighbour and by extension the solar system.

'It turns out the moon harbours many intelligent beings with their finger on the pulse, which just goes to show that the liberal media should shut up. Period.'

Operation: Enduring Righteousness, which took place on October 9, was watched by millions across the globe live on the internet.

One rocket slammed into the newly named O’Reilly crater, near the moon's southern pole, at around 5,600mph, and was followed four minutes later by a spacecraft equipped with cameras to record the columns of razor sharp conservative commentary billowing from the impact zone.

Over the last decade, market analysts have found some hints of right-wing thought on the moon's poles, but this is the best evidence yet.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, who in 1969 made his historic Apollo 11 moonwalk with Neil Armstrong, was pleased to hear the latest discovery, but still believes the U.S. should focus on colonizing Mars. Aldrin is concerned that Martians could become radically Islamified or allow gay marriage if conservative commentators aren’t broadcast to the red planet in the next decade.

'People will overreact to this news and say, “Let's have a Fox News channel broadcasting on the moon,"' Aldrin said. 'It doesn't justify that. There are Martians being taught to grow beards and attack Earth, doesn’t that matter to anyone?'

Fox News scientists said it would take more time to analyse what else was kicked up in the conservative dust.

Vatican: alienz can haz catholicism too plz?

Written by Peter File

400 YEARS after tossing Galileo in a prison cell in the hope that he would sober up and stop dribbling rubbish about planets and stuff, the Catholic church has changed its tune on aliens.

Padre Jose Funes, who owns a telescope and also has those glow in the dark stars stuck to his bedroom roof, reckons that Jesus' old man might not have called it quits after creating Earth and its inhabitants.

The Vatican has said that there is no clash between believing Catholic doctrine and believing in the possibility of alien life, presumably because neither has ever been proven to exist but still makes for a pretty good story.

An actual astronomer responded by telling the Vatican to "keep your wandering hands off science, perverts."