The Legend of the Chine Monster

Written by Eoinín McAlpine


Chine
-noun British Dialect

A steep-sided river valley where the river flows through coastal cliffs to the sea.


Monster
-noun

A legendary animal combining features of animal and human form or having the forms of various animals in combination, as a centaur, griffin, or sphinx.


Long after the last conspiracy theorist has packed up his sonar monster detector and left Loch Ness; long after the last cross-eyed hick has turned up in The National Enquirer claiming to have had a fist fight with Bigfoot and lived to tell the tale; long after delusional frostbitten hikers have accepted that the Abominable Snowman is nothing more than an irate polar bear standing on its hind legs - long after all these legends have faded into obscurity, one true monster shall remain.

The Chine Monster.

Rarely documented, yet by all accounts the most brazen and intelligent beast ever to have existed. Isolated to the chines of southern England, Chine Monsters in the wild are estimated to number less than ten. This is partly due to cyclical breeding patterns, and also the presumption that only one may exist in a chine at any given time.

While it is difficult to say due to their potential danger and surprisingly brisk speed, estimates of size put an average Chine Monster at approximately 9ft tall and weighing 300lb. Despite their size, they are deceptively agile and silent hunters.

They are box shaped, and covered in a coarse brown fur. Their large, thoughtful eyes are complemented by a wide mouth filled with razor sharp teeth, characterised by a prominent underbite. Arms and legs are slim yet powerful, each containing four large claws used to grip the often unstable and unforgiving terrain of the chine.

Their diet varies, however it consists primarily of children - specifically loud, obnoxious specimens. They have also been known to prey on taxi drivers, financial controllers, recruitment consultants, tax accountants, insurance brokers, milkmen, telemarketers, and door to door salespeople. Their ability to distinguish between particular occupations is inexplicable, yet frighteningly precise.

Whilst mainly hunting after dark and in heavy fog, Chine Monsters will emerge from their lairs during long periods of favourable weather to snatch unsuspecting victims. They have also been known to set elaborate traps resembling punji pits, constructed from the branches and leaves of laurels.

They have been known to live for up to 150 years; much of their hunting prowess is owed to their impressive longevity and experience. Little is known about their mating habits, however it is thought to be extremely rare given their solitary nature and inability to coexist with their own kind.

Chine Monsters have no known predators, and are unlikely to have encountered any serious threats since dinosaurs roamed the earth. Palaeontologists have speculated that in prehistoric times, Jurassic ancestors of the creature would have favoured low flying pterodactyls and dim-witted raptors, though existence in such times has yet to be conclusively proven.

Modern day naturalists have consistently avoided studying the fearsome creatures, some because of fears for personal safety, others wary of ridicule from the mainstream scientific community. The late Steve Irwin would often halt press conferences if the beasts were mentioned. Sir David Attenborough reportedly insisted upon a “Chine Monster clause” in his contract with the BBC, although neither he nor the broadcaster will confirm this as fact.

Novelist Robert Louis Stevenson, a seasonal resident of south west England, is reported to have originally written The Body Snatcher as a tribute to the Chine Monster. His biographer and literary agent, Sidney Colvin, demanded that he rewrite the entire manuscript for fear that he would be labelled a kook. Regrettably, Stevenson obliged.

Thus, no credible account of the creature is available to this day. Photos are non-existent. Crude artistic interpretations and spurious pub tales of the creature do nothing to lend plausibility to the Chine Monster’s existence. For the moment, it shall lamentably remain nothing more than a constant and very real threat to the residents of southern England.