So You Want a Pet but You’re a Selfish Moron

Written by Eoinín McAlpine

A pet is for life, not for Christmas – or so the saying goes. But deep down we all know that much like a legless G.I. Joe figurine, or a doll with its head ripped off and carefully placed in the microwave, pets soon outlive their welcome and they too are susceptible to having their water and other polarised molecules bombarded with microwave radiation.

Very few people genuinely want to neglect or harm animals; those that do are generally very disturbed individuals, but often go on to have very successful careers as serial killers. The simple truth is that most of us are just lazy, selfish morons. We can’t be bothered walking the dog. Changing the cat’s litter is an oppressive chore. Plankton is far too expensive these days.

Today’s exceedingly busy yet inexplicably fat human needs a pet that will feed, exercise and entertain itself, and won’t take it personally when you ditch it for the new Nokia. Impossible, right? Wrong as usual, sucker! Here are just a few of the Mobar Gazette’s favourite self-sufficient pets.


Westernised Indian Parrot

Sure, you think unsolicited phone calls from the sub-continent are an annoying invasion of privacy. You can’t imagine who’d be stupid enough to take up one of their offers. Get off your high horse and recognise this for what it really is – an endless supply of loyal companionship.

Jane Wayne, Maverick Johnson and Johnny McDonald aren’t there to sell you things. They want to hear how your day was, how work is treating you, or if you’ve got rid of that nasty rash yet. In the unlikely event they do terminate the call, don’t think you’ve lost a friend. With the sale of personal information so prevalent these days, you can expect a call from a new friend most nights of the week.


Domesticated Mugu

Creating a bogus email address and deliberately leading on senders of scam emails is nothing new. Why be malicious about it though? With a steady stream of new friends from across the globe appearing in your spam folder or inbox daily, you’d be mad not to engage them. A mugu will happily discuss the most inane topics imaginable if you give even the slightest hint that they will receive some sort of monetary compensation down the track.

Unlike most call centre workers, your mugu will furnish you with exciting tales of murder, tragedy, and unimaginable riches. In turn, feel free to concoct your own chronicle of intrigue – they will hang on your every word. Eventually you will tire of their tripe and call them out, or they may smell a rat and put a voodoo curse upon you. Either way, you will have gained a great story and a few priceless photos, and they will have learned not to trust every CEO of Ma Porn’s Family Film Firm.


Mexican Fighting Bastardo

Some peculiar individuals consider a tarantula, tiger snake or fighting dog a nice pet. If you bristled at being called peculiar, think voodoo curses from a mugu sound a bit tame, you’re not overly concerned about your credit rating, and you like a bit of excitement from a pet, then you most definitely want a Debt Collector.

First up, get yourself an unsecured credit card or loan – the amount is up to you or whoever is lending you the money. Obviously for a more exciting experience, get as much as possible. Next, spend it all. To avoid legal action of any consequence, make sure you’re in rented accommodation and don’t have a full time job.

To obtain your Debt Collector, simply make no payments. Initially, they’ll write you pathetic letters. Wah wah no payments, blah blah credit rating etc. One day, your new pet will call. Boy, will they call. They’ll run the full gamut of emotions and moods; anger, disappointment, frustration, disbelief, outrage. The empty threats will continue for months on end. To prolong their misery, offer to make payments occasionally and then run into unexpected and strangely bizarre problems.

Should you enrage them enough, they may send a field agent. Milk it – you now have two pets, and one of them is out of his cage and off the leash. The length and level of excitement you draw from this experience is really only limited by your own imagination and masochism. You strange, strange person.