World's Deadliest: Recruitment Consultants

Written by Eoinín McAlpine

Like almost all of the deadliest things on a planet fast becoming nothing more than a revolving death trap, Recruitment Consultants are consistently underestimated. While politicians are quick to whip us into a panic with orange/red/salmon/puce alerts and wild stories of murderous terrorists clutching dirty bombs en route to the heart of freedom, Recruitment Consultants don’t rate a mention.

Oh, come now. How can you possibly compare bloodthirsty, freedom-hating evil-doers to terrorists?

Make no mistake about it. Recruitment Consultants are the unholy messengers of Satan. They shall slowly devour your soul and willpower, thus leaving you vulnerable to other tools of evil, such as inane footpath charity collectors and their ridiculous pick-up lines.

Terrorists are building armies of loyal soldiers? Cry me a river. Who has more offices in every city or town than any other monopolising monolithic franchise? Search “recruitment” in your local directory and see how many results you get. They make Starbucks look conservative when it comes to expansion.

Terrorists are receiving ill-gotten funds to wage their war of hatred? Pocket money. Recruitment Consultants receive obscene commissions and extortionate fees to fund their jihad on businesses and job seekers.

As for identity theft, there’s no contest. Recruitment Consultants hold the personal details of more citizens than you can imagine. Simply registering with a job agency requires more information than applying for personal finance, and is more intrusive than surgery sans anaesthetic. They hold the personal details of the majority of the workforce, and they obtained them legally.

Whilst undeniably more calculating and organised, Recruitment Consultants do share the following similarities with terrorists:

- They operate in many independent cells – “job agencies”. If one is shut down, another will appear within days.

- When questioned about their intentions, Consultants will deny any knowledge of any grand plan to destroy civilisation. They may also repeat a common mantra, generally fatuous claims about just wanting to find you a job.

- Training camps for Recruitment Consultants are often found in secret locations in the desert. This is where they hone their arsenals of evil; absurd small talk, standard lies to feed to both job seekers and clients, and close-quarters hand-to-hand combat.

- Job Agencies will aggressively pursue and recruit vulnerable, disenfranchised youth. Early school leavers or those lacking direction are often promised rewarding careers, only to find themselves becoming expendable pawns in a war they do not fully understand.


Perhaps most concerning is the fact that these parasitical bottom-feeders are not listed on any CIA terror list. Are various governments embarrassed to admit that they have not only assisted, but welcomed and legislated on behalf of these merchants of misery? Or is it just that nobody knows exactly what their evil intentions are?

Sure, you can write this off as the rambling of a morphine-addicted crackpot conspiracy theorist. But remember me and my eerily prophetic words as you witness the fall of man, and the horrifying Rise of the Recruitment Consultant. It hath begun…