What is the Mobar?

Written by Logan Bluetooth

What is the Mobar? Oh, I’d like to tell you, I really would. Nothing would give me more pleasure. The truth is, nobody knows exactly what the Mobar is, not even the staff.

We awoke one morning having been heavily drugged (involuntarily, as far as we can tell) and transported to various locations across the globe. Individual assignments had been placed in front of us; they contained vague yet specific instructions, the bulk of which we are unable to share with anyone. Should we flap our gums, we can expect swift and brutal retribution. Perhaps even death.

Don’t cry for us. It’s not all bad. We have been given noble duties to perform based on our immense cleverness and geographical locations, along with hefty salaries and as much Mi Goreng as we can handle. Whilst we have no intention of sharing our money or delicious Mi Goreng with the likes of you, we do have much wisdom and helpful advice to bestow upon you.

Big deal. Who gives a toss? What can you lot possibly offer me that I can’t get from late night infomercials and the criminally underpaid savants of the taxi industry?

I’d like to say Mi Goreng, but I’ve painted myself into a corner there. So what then? Probably nothing. But perhaps EVERYTHING. At worst, correct spelling. At best, some of the most insightful and useful brilliance you’ve ever seen in an electronic galaxy already overburdened with boorish, opinionated crackpots; DIY guides for things you don’t really need to DY, and mischievous slander disguised as genuine news articles.

We have all of that and more. Expensive car chases, sexy broads, monkey knife fights, but mostly just words. Words you can use though; arranged in sentences that resemble paragraphs, and so on and so forth. We’ll make you rich, and tell you what to think if you can’t be bothered coming up with your own thoughts.

The Mobar Gazette is the needless self-help guide that you need more than anything in this stupid world. Read on and prosper.