Bumbershoots: Harmless and Useful or Essential Tool of the Psychopath?

Written by Frank Serpico

The hour is late. The night is as dark as, well, night I guess. A steady rain begins to fall as you negotiate your way through the poorly lit and deserted streets. You long to be at home; curled up in front of the fire, slippers on, bowl of popcorn by your side as S Club 7’s Greatest Hits album soothes you into a state of contentment.

Alas, you are still trudging through the mean streets of wherever, dodging puddles whilst fumbling in your bag for your phone. As you pull it out, the blasted thing escapes your grip, landing in a pool of muddy water at your feet.

Cursing under your breath, you retrieve it. As you ponder your predicament – no phone, no gumboots – that’s when you see the dark shadowy figure slowly approaching you.

You start to panic, coming up with all sorts of scenarios in your head. Rapist? Killer? Cannibal? His pace remains steady but deliberate. Hidden by a hood, you can’t quite make out his face. Even closer, he places his hand inside his jacket to retrieve something. Knife? Gun? Piano wire?

Rigid with cowardly fear, you are a helpless witness to your own demise as his clunking footsteps and heavy breathing drowns out the rain. Mere steps away from you, he begins to pull his hand from his jacket. Your terrified gaze is fixed on him – what could he possibly have?

AN UMBRELLA.

An umbrella? Thank heavens! A harmless old brolly. Cheery bumbershoot. Friend of all but the rain. There you were, painting that bedraggled gentleman as a frothy-mouthed disembowelment merchant, and all he wanted was a bit of protection from the rain. Right?

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

You just signed your own death warrant. As you quite rightly assumed, that man was indeed a frothy-mouthed heavy-breathing disembowelment merchant, amongst other things.

Once again, the humble umbrella has lulled another poor soul into a false sense of security, and just as quickly robbed them of their life. Not convinced? Peruse this list of suckers taken in by the falsely warm image of the brolly.

Japan, 2002 - Takayuki Niimi is stabbed in the head with an umbrella after a quarrel over etiquette. This is just days after Toshimi Kuwabara is stabbed in the face and throat with an umbrella during a row over a parking space. Both men die. Neither umbrella is charged.

Buffalo, NY, 1893 – Aeronaut/Professional Moron Purcell Thomas is killed after leaping from a height of 110ft. Cause of death? His umbrella fails to slow his descent, effectively signing his death warrant.

Brooklyn, NY, 1914 – on the same day, in unrelated incidents, two New Yorkers shuffle off this mortal coil courtesy of their weather shields concealing their killers. Samuel Reich gets walloped by a car, and Agnes Kingston takes on a trolley car and loses. Cruelly, they are both survived by their umbrellas.

London, 1978 - Bulgarian dissident Georgi Markov is killed by a poison dart filled with ricin fired from, you guessed it – an umbrella.

North Carolina, 2008 - Duwyann Ward is minding his own business and catching some rays by the pool when an umbrella spears him through the head in an unprovoked act of murderous violence.

None of these poor souls knew each other. None of them expected to be cut down in their prime by an umbrella (except for the aeronaut, he probably had a fair idea…). Frighteningly, these are but a handful of deaths by umbrella.

So what can you do as an individual to stem this epidemic of brollycide? Unfortunately, very little. With the exception of Romania, most countries frown upon anti-umbrella death squads.

Thankfully, the latte-swilling Chardonnay-quaffing pinko commie leftist elitists that rule the world are in love with free speech. Oh how they love it. Use this to your advantage. If you see someone with an umbrella, or yes – even a fancy parasol – loudly accuse them of being a cold blooded killer.

Sure, they may not have killed yet, but what does that mean? Not a thing. Using an umbrella to shield one’s self from the rain is merely a gateway to an inevitable frenzied killing spree.

Serial killers often start out just by torturing puppies and kittens, yet before you know it the bodies are piling up and all the great unwashed can do is tut tut at their morning newspaper and ponder over the killer’s sinister calling card left at every murder scene – AN UMBRELLA.

The Legend of the Chine Monster

Written by Eoinín McAlpine


Chine
-noun British Dialect

A steep-sided river valley where the river flows through coastal cliffs to the sea.


Monster
-noun

A legendary animal combining features of animal and human form or having the forms of various animals in combination, as a centaur, griffin, or sphinx.


Long after the last conspiracy theorist has packed up his sonar monster detector and left Loch Ness; long after the last cross-eyed hick has turned up in The National Enquirer claiming to have had a fist fight with Bigfoot and lived to tell the tale; long after delusional frostbitten hikers have accepted that the Abominable Snowman is nothing more than an irate polar bear standing on its hind legs - long after all these legends have faded into obscurity, one true monster shall remain.

The Chine Monster.

Rarely documented, yet by all accounts the most brazen and intelligent beast ever to have existed. Isolated to the chines of southern England, Chine Monsters in the wild are estimated to number less than ten. This is partly due to cyclical breeding patterns, and also the presumption that only one may exist in a chine at any given time.

While it is difficult to say due to their potential danger and surprisingly brisk speed, estimates of size put an average Chine Monster at approximately 9ft tall and weighing 300lb. Despite their size, they are deceptively agile and silent hunters.

They are box shaped, and covered in a coarse brown fur. Their large, thoughtful eyes are complemented by a wide mouth filled with razor sharp teeth, characterised by a prominent underbite. Arms and legs are slim yet powerful, each containing four large claws used to grip the often unstable and unforgiving terrain of the chine.

Their diet varies, however it consists primarily of children - specifically loud, obnoxious specimens. They have also been known to prey on taxi drivers, financial controllers, recruitment consultants, tax accountants, insurance brokers, milkmen, telemarketers, and door to door salespeople. Their ability to distinguish between particular occupations is inexplicable, yet frighteningly precise.

Whilst mainly hunting after dark and in heavy fog, Chine Monsters will emerge from their lairs during long periods of favourable weather to snatch unsuspecting victims. They have also been known to set elaborate traps resembling punji pits, constructed from the branches and leaves of laurels.

They have been known to live for up to 150 years; much of their hunting prowess is owed to their impressive longevity and experience. Little is known about their mating habits, however it is thought to be extremely rare given their solitary nature and inability to coexist with their own kind.

Chine Monsters have no known predators, and are unlikely to have encountered any serious threats since dinosaurs roamed the earth. Palaeontologists have speculated that in prehistoric times, Jurassic ancestors of the creature would have favoured low flying pterodactyls and dim-witted raptors, though existence in such times has yet to be conclusively proven.

Modern day naturalists have consistently avoided studying the fearsome creatures, some because of fears for personal safety, others wary of ridicule from the mainstream scientific community. The late Steve Irwin would often halt press conferences if the beasts were mentioned. Sir David Attenborough reportedly insisted upon a “Chine Monster clause” in his contract with the BBC, although neither he nor the broadcaster will confirm this as fact.

Novelist Robert Louis Stevenson, a seasonal resident of south west England, is reported to have originally written The Body Snatcher as a tribute to the Chine Monster. His biographer and literary agent, Sidney Colvin, demanded that he rewrite the entire manuscript for fear that he would be labelled a kook. Regrettably, Stevenson obliged.

Thus, no credible account of the creature is available to this day. Photos are non-existent. Crude artistic interpretations and spurious pub tales of the creature do nothing to lend plausibility to the Chine Monster’s existence. For the moment, it shall lamentably remain nothing more than a constant and very real threat to the residents of southern England.

Dear Collins Dictionary, You Are Dead To Me.

Written by Peter File

Risky business, writing an article maligning someone over their flagrant abuse of the English language. Not just someone, but a bunch of people who’d probably consider themselves to be quite the gaggle of literati when it comes to words and the like. No doubt the Mobar Gazette offices will soon be flooded with smug hate mail gleefully informing us of the delightful irony our shockingly incorrect hatchet job on the Collins hath created.

So, pre-emptively: irony my pants, you losers.

Anyhow, the time of year is upon us where various articles appear in the media covering the quirky additions and omissions to various dictionaries. Lo, here be another one. So what beef does a smutty publication like ours have with a high-brow tome like the Collins? Two, actually.

Firstly, unless various brilliant yet admittedly obscure words suddenly find themselves in common usage, they are getting the chop. Specifically, I am concerned about the possible loss of abstergent. Secondly, meh is being included. This is not up for debate. It’ll be in the next edition.

I love The Simpsons. We all do. The editor in chief of this publication has C.M. Burns tattooed on his right shoulder blade, and Waylon Smithers on his left. That said, the series in which meh was coined was approximately the point at which the show started to become a bit crap. I digress.

My beef is with meh garnering an entry in what was once a respected dictionary. It is hardly a word. The definition will apparently be “an expression of boredom or indifference”. NO. Really? While you’re at it, why not include the following expressions we were having difficulty deciphering: huh, ugh, ahh, grr, and hmm. But they’re not really words, right? Well, neither is meh.

You know what is a word? Abstergent. It can be an adjective or a noun, two fairly good indicators that something is indeed, a word. It means cleansing. It can also mean a cleansing agent. Below is another word for you.

Dic – tion – ar – y (dik-shuh-ner-ee)
-noun

A book containing a selection of the words of a language, usually arranged alphabetically, giving information about their meanings, pronunciations, etymologies, inflected forms, etc., expressed in either the same or another language; lexicon; glossary.

It beggars belief that genuinely valuable and functional words are being replaced by stupid shout-outs to pop culture. What’s worse is that the perpetrators are not lazy internet forum slobs claiming “lol cbf spelling its not skool bro”, but the very people who one would expect to treasure and guard our wonderful language.

Go on then, Collins. Get rid of calignosity, free yourself of embrangle, kick agrestic to the curb. Certainly absterge yourself of abstergent. Replace them with triumphs of linguistics like meh. But for the sake of someone reading the Collins Dictionary 100 years down the track, be sure to also include the following.

Ugh (Uhh)
- interjection

An expression of quiet disgust, usually uttered by someone having just discovered the Collins has once again taken a scythe to the English language.

Origin: Early 21st Century, see meh.

Now, excuse me while I confine all the copies of the Collins in the office to the bin. In our eyes, it is nothing more than worthless recrement.

World's Deadliest: Recruitment Consultants

Written by Eoinín McAlpine

Like almost all of the deadliest things on a planet fast becoming nothing more than a revolving death trap, Recruitment Consultants are consistently underestimated. While politicians are quick to whip us into a panic with orange/red/salmon/puce alerts and wild stories of murderous terrorists clutching dirty bombs en route to the heart of freedom, Recruitment Consultants don’t rate a mention.

Oh, come now. How can you possibly compare bloodthirsty, freedom-hating evil-doers to terrorists?

Make no mistake about it. Recruitment Consultants are the unholy messengers of Satan. They shall slowly devour your soul and willpower, thus leaving you vulnerable to other tools of evil, such as inane footpath charity collectors and their ridiculous pick-up lines.

Terrorists are building armies of loyal soldiers? Cry me a river. Who has more offices in every city or town than any other monopolising monolithic franchise? Search “recruitment” in your local directory and see how many results you get. They make Starbucks look conservative when it comes to expansion.

Terrorists are receiving ill-gotten funds to wage their war of hatred? Pocket money. Recruitment Consultants receive obscene commissions and extortionate fees to fund their jihad on businesses and job seekers.

As for identity theft, there’s no contest. Recruitment Consultants hold the personal details of more citizens than you can imagine. Simply registering with a job agency requires more information than applying for personal finance, and is more intrusive than surgery sans anaesthetic. They hold the personal details of the majority of the workforce, and they obtained them legally.

Whilst undeniably more calculating and organised, Recruitment Consultants do share the following similarities with terrorists:

- They operate in many independent cells – “job agencies”. If one is shut down, another will appear within days.

- When questioned about their intentions, Consultants will deny any knowledge of any grand plan to destroy civilisation. They may also repeat a common mantra, generally fatuous claims about just wanting to find you a job.

- Training camps for Recruitment Consultants are often found in secret locations in the desert. This is where they hone their arsenals of evil; absurd small talk, standard lies to feed to both job seekers and clients, and close-quarters hand-to-hand combat.

- Job Agencies will aggressively pursue and recruit vulnerable, disenfranchised youth. Early school leavers or those lacking direction are often promised rewarding careers, only to find themselves becoming expendable pawns in a war they do not fully understand.


Perhaps most concerning is the fact that these parasitical bottom-feeders are not listed on any CIA terror list. Are various governments embarrassed to admit that they have not only assisted, but welcomed and legislated on behalf of these merchants of misery? Or is it just that nobody knows exactly what their evil intentions are?

Sure, you can write this off as the rambling of a morphine-addicted crackpot conspiracy theorist. But remember me and my eerily prophetic words as you witness the fall of man, and the horrifying Rise of the Recruitment Consultant. It hath begun…

So You Want a Pet but You’re a Selfish Moron

Written by Eoinín McAlpine

A pet is for life, not for Christmas – or so the saying goes. But deep down we all know that much like a legless G.I. Joe figurine, or a doll with its head ripped off and carefully placed in the microwave, pets soon outlive their welcome and they too are susceptible to having their water and other polarised molecules bombarded with microwave radiation.

Very few people genuinely want to neglect or harm animals; those that do are generally very disturbed individuals, but often go on to have very successful careers as serial killers. The simple truth is that most of us are just lazy, selfish morons. We can’t be bothered walking the dog. Changing the cat’s litter is an oppressive chore. Plankton is far too expensive these days.

Today’s exceedingly busy yet inexplicably fat human needs a pet that will feed, exercise and entertain itself, and won’t take it personally when you ditch it for the new Nokia. Impossible, right? Wrong as usual, sucker! Here are just a few of the Mobar Gazette’s favourite self-sufficient pets.


Westernised Indian Parrot

Sure, you think unsolicited phone calls from the sub-continent are an annoying invasion of privacy. You can’t imagine who’d be stupid enough to take up one of their offers. Get off your high horse and recognise this for what it really is – an endless supply of loyal companionship.

Jane Wayne, Maverick Johnson and Johnny McDonald aren’t there to sell you things. They want to hear how your day was, how work is treating you, or if you’ve got rid of that nasty rash yet. In the unlikely event they do terminate the call, don’t think you’ve lost a friend. With the sale of personal information so prevalent these days, you can expect a call from a new friend most nights of the week.


Domesticated Mugu

Creating a bogus email address and deliberately leading on senders of scam emails is nothing new. Why be malicious about it though? With a steady stream of new friends from across the globe appearing in your spam folder or inbox daily, you’d be mad not to engage them. A mugu will happily discuss the most inane topics imaginable if you give even the slightest hint that they will receive some sort of monetary compensation down the track.

Unlike most call centre workers, your mugu will furnish you with exciting tales of murder, tragedy, and unimaginable riches. In turn, feel free to concoct your own chronicle of intrigue – they will hang on your every word. Eventually you will tire of their tripe and call them out, or they may smell a rat and put a voodoo curse upon you. Either way, you will have gained a great story and a few priceless photos, and they will have learned not to trust every CEO of Ma Porn’s Family Film Firm.


Mexican Fighting Bastardo

Some peculiar individuals consider a tarantula, tiger snake or fighting dog a nice pet. If you bristled at being called peculiar, think voodoo curses from a mugu sound a bit tame, you’re not overly concerned about your credit rating, and you like a bit of excitement from a pet, then you most definitely want a Debt Collector.

First up, get yourself an unsecured credit card or loan – the amount is up to you or whoever is lending you the money. Obviously for a more exciting experience, get as much as possible. Next, spend it all. To avoid legal action of any consequence, make sure you’re in rented accommodation and don’t have a full time job.

To obtain your Debt Collector, simply make no payments. Initially, they’ll write you pathetic letters. Wah wah no payments, blah blah credit rating etc. One day, your new pet will call. Boy, will they call. They’ll run the full gamut of emotions and moods; anger, disappointment, frustration, disbelief, outrage. The empty threats will continue for months on end. To prolong their misery, offer to make payments occasionally and then run into unexpected and strangely bizarre problems.

Should you enrage them enough, they may send a field agent. Milk it – you now have two pets, and one of them is out of his cage and off the leash. The length and level of excitement you draw from this experience is really only limited by your own imagination and masochism. You strange, strange person.

Commonly Misheard or Misinterpreted Words and Phrases

Written by Eoinín McAlpine

For those with a burning desire to climb the slippery pole of high society, and the slippery poles of those at the dizzying heights of high society, an expansive vocabulary is essential. Much like a grizzly bear detects the menstrual cycle of a woman, a pure blue-blood can smell a public school education or poor credit rating at 20 paces.

Whilst it is unlikely that women will ever live amongst the bears without fear of a violent death, you on the other hand can transform yourself into a delightfully loquacious individual and bluff your way through almost any high society dinner party, job interview, or caviar-off simply by avoiding these common linguistic faux-pas.

Expensive/Expansive

It was there in the first sentence. An expansive vocabulary. There’s no point hauling ass down to the library with your life savings and trying to clean them out of words containing three syllables or more; for starters, librarians carry less than $20 and don’t have access to the safe.

Expensive: costly, high-priced – like Oprah Winfrey’s empire.
Expansive: wide, large, generous – like Oprah Winfrey’s…various charity ventures.


Self-effacing/Self-defacing

“Why, Mr Spiffington-Farnsley, if I grow an empire but one-tenth the size of your impressive chain of House o’ Lawsuits, I shall be more than content.” That would be a self-effacing comment.

A self-defacing act would be if you were to wear a pair of Crocs, a polo shirt with the collar popped, had barbed wire tattooed around one of your biceps, and scrawled “4 A GOOD TYM CALL 555-1234” on your arm in permanent marker.


Self-deprecation/Self-depreciation

A light-hearted poking of fun at one’s self can be both disarming and charming, and may be used in a social or work situation to great effect. This is known as self-deprecation.

Developing and maintaining a serious addiction to crack-cocaine, listening exclusively to Simply Red and having regular unprotected sex with individuals who lead similarly dubious existences will lead to a general decline in one’s worth as a human being. This is known as self-depreciation.


Den of iniquity/Den of inequity

Many recording artists have warbled their way through The House of the Rising Sun, a cautionary tale of an establishment filled with much sin and wickedness, ready to devour the soul of any unwary individual. Another name for such a place would be a den of iniquity.

Food that is often of poor nutritional value or blatantly inedible is sold at obscene prices at most convenience stores. Another name for such a place would be a den of inequity.


Cast aspersions/Cast dispersions

“The word on the grapevine is that Mr Spiffington-Farnsley has quite the penchant for underage mallards dressed in school uniforms.” To slander or defame someone is also to cast aspersions on them.

When a nightclub owner has the music turned off, the house lights turned on, and directs the burly primate in charge of security to stalk through the club threatening violence and police attendance, he is casting dispersions on his patrons.


Echelon/Béchamel

“With the conviction and incarceration of Mr Spiffington-Farnsley a mere formality, my rise to the upper echelons of high society is all but complete.” Echelon – a fancy way of saying level or rank.

Béchamel sauce is a staple of French cuisine, usually made by gradually whisking scalded milk into a white flour-butter roux. Béchamel – a fancy way of saying white sauce.