World's Deadliest: Leaf Tigers

Written by Eoinín McAlpine














The tiger - fearsome apex predator, king of cats, hawker of frosted breakfast flakes. They are blessed with bulk, power, speed, and are also more attractive than most other cats. Thankfully for Westerners, tigers pose very little threat to them as they are generally in secure enclosures in various animal prisons, or if you will – zoos.

Or are they?

Whilst few governments will acknowledge the fact, unexplained fatal maulings have been on the rise in most major cities since record keeping began in 1953. This trend has baffled authorities, and has generally been attributed to giant carnivorous rabbits or a defenceless subculture, e.g. cannibalistic Goths.

Although such scapegoats (or rabbits) cannot be ruled out entirely, some experts are of the opinion that a far more dangerous species is behind the attacks – the urbanised leaf tiger.

Largely undocumented, the urbanised leaf tiger is considered by most tiger enthusiasts to be the most formidable and deadly of the species. It is highly adaptable, and possesses a level of cunning that would shame a seagull.

Tigers are a highly adaptable species, but a bulk migration and subsequent creation of an entirely new sub-species of this magnitude has never before been seen. Sightings, although rare, have now been reported on all continents.

Although their Asian brethren are normally always up for a hunt, the leaf tiger is unique in that it will hunt only during autumn and early winter. Considerably smaller than other tigers, it will conceal itself in piles of leaves and wait for its prey to approach.

Their diet consists mainly of humans, the majority of which are children. This is not the choice of the leaf tiger, but rather a result of the enjoyment children garner from kicking or diving into piles of crunchy leaves. The minority of adults that still derive pleasure from such activities are also at risk, so too those that persist in raking leaves from their lawns.

Also easy pickings for the ruthless beasts are the oft slow-witted users of leaf blowers. The monotonous and irritating drone, coupled with the noxious fumes emitted from the contraption, announce the presence of the soon to be victim as effectively as a three-legged buffalo accompanied by a brass band.

Leaf tigers shun conventional dens, instead dwelling in a variety of temporary abodes; rubbish skips, construction sites, even trains or buses when not in use. They hunt both during daylight hours and after dark.

They are masters of camouflage, and as a result there are very few photos in circulation of the creatures.

It has not been proven conclusively, though it has been theorised that dogs may hold the key to preventing or at the least limiting the number of attacks. As they are a member of the Felidae family, leaf tigers are the natural enemy of the dog.

Although no match for a leaf tiger, dogs are able to detect an imminent attack and warn their owners of the potential danger posed by a pile of leaves. Domesticated cats, on the other hand, are entirely useless and would take great pleasure in seeing as many humans as possible ripped limb from limb by their burly cousins.















As urban sprawls grow, so too will leaf tiger attacks. With authorities unwilling to acknowledge what is clearly a serious threat, it is once again left up to Joe Sixpack to fend for himself and his family.

It would be both impractical and criminally negligent of this publication to suggest that citizens arm themselves with various high powered weapons and fire blindly into piles of leaves for a few months of the year.

Instead, we are advocating mass panic buying of dogs, preferably nothing smaller than a border collie. Furthermore, those unfortunate souls who currently own cats should immediately seek a trade-in for a dog at your local pound.

The pro-cat lobby is a vocal and powerful group. Should their precious feline power base suddenly decline, they will undoubtedly march on parliament, which will subsequently force the government to address the very real issue of leaf tiger attacks.

We do not want the leaf tiger eradicated. We simply seek a world in which people are free to frolic in leaves without fear of being disembowelled by a vicious beast. And if theme park operators desire to tranquilize, cage, exploit and demean these creatures by teaching them to do stupid tricks for moronic, morbidly obese, bumbag-wearing tourists that also wear those sunglasses with the extra bit on the side, then who are we to argue?