At any given time, there are over 160 billion trillion blogs clogging up the internet. This is considerably more blogs than there are people on this planet. It is then certainly far more blogs than there are writers on this planet, be they professional or self-proclaimed scribes. So why do they do it? For the love of the craft? To share their work with other writers? For the thrill of seeing their work in a public place? Of course not. Just like everything else that humans do, it is the dream of potential fame and fortune that guides their talentless fingers across the keyboard.
Idiots.
Despite the promises of paid surveys, steady income from targeted advertising and other such tripe, it is a little known yet undeniable fact that there is absolutely zero money to be made from the internet. Not a bleeding penny.
Rather than offer yet another hollow get rich quick scheme, this is a simple and easy to follow guide on how to make absolutely no money at all from the internet, and fast.
The first method of not making money on the internet one should consider is not targeted advertising, but the new craze of insultingly targeted advertising. Google, Yahoo, and many other faceless empires offer this service.
Insultingly targeted advertising essentially works on the same principle as targeted advertising, but with a little more sass thrown in. By scanning the content of your blog, it is able to include advertisements and messages that speak to your demographic in a language that it understands.
For instance, readers of a weight loss blog may find the following ads in the margins.
“HEY, FAT LOAD! Yeah, YOU! Here’s a weight loss tip – stop sitting around on your panoramic arse and go and get some actual exercise!”
Those perusing an online publication discussing Star Trek may be delighted to come across messages such as this.
“So, you’re reading about Star Trek…on the internet. Congratulations - you are now a stereotype.”
If insultingly targeted advertising isn’t helping you not make money quick enough, fear not. Google have recently released their highly anticipated iLibel application, and it is taking the web by storm.
Harnessing the awesome power of conventional web-based language translators, iLibel can take a block of text and instantly convert it into a potentially career-ending lawsuit in a fraction of a second. Observe this culinary review.
“I recently had the pleasure of ordering a large meat lover’s pizza from Dominos. I found the staff to be extremely cheerful and helpful. The price was very reasonable, and the quality of the pizza was second to none. I will certainly be ordering all my pizzas from Dominos in the future.”
Feed this limp-wristed paragraph into iLibel and you get the following.
“I recently had the severe displeasure of ordering an allegedly large imitation meat lover’s pizza from Dominos - a poison manufacturer masquerading as a pizza restaurant. The staff were as useful as butter in a heat wave. I would have paid less for invasive surgery to remove a cancerous tumour, and probably enjoyed it more too. Should I desire soggy, stale bread coated with bile at any point in the future, I will not hesitate to call upon them once again.”
If these techno-geek web technologies make your head spin, fear not. Most conventional real world non-revenue generating techniques are just applicable to the internet as any high-powered nerd wizardry.
For instance, have you considered not taking commissions from companies? Most people foolishly overlook this option and before too long find their bank accounts are being assailed by a hail of deposits from overly generous businesses. Thankfully, this is easy to avoid.
My approach is simple – by publishing articles that include either derogatory references to companies and products, or yes, even no mention of them at all, you will find that most businesses will be inclined not to pay you any sum of money whatsoever.
This guide is by no means an exhaustive index of internet income avoidance. There are many other effective techniques one could make good use of, even such radical approaches as removing all the keys from your keyboard so that you are prevented from typing anything at all.
Remember this – your ability to earn absolutely nothing from your blog can only be matched by your lack of ambition. The most unprofitable blog authors have never even switched on a computer, let alone connected to the internet.
2 comments:
you're a prime example of this. bravo for the self-sacrifice of pointing out the talentless writers online!!
Thank you. Logan considers it his duty as a loser of the highest order to launch these vicious attacks on those more talented and business-savvy than himself, although he'd probably never admit it.
He also drives a Hyundai Excel.
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