As the editor of such a topical, ear to the ground, finger on the pulse kind of publication as this one, it is considerably difficult to avoid making almost constant references to the current dire economic situation we find ourselves in. So unavoidable in fact that I have decided to devote an entire article to it.Rather than bore the trousers off you with paragraph after bloody paragraph of sensible fiscal policy, radical nationalisation of financial institutions and the opportunistic brewing of panic amongst the masses that seems to be so in vogue with the media at the moment, let’s enjoy ourselves.
I’ll be the first to tell you that clouds are comprised mainly of dust particles and moisture and are therefore incapable of retaining any sort of metal lining, but there’s no reason not to do the Japanese thing and view this crisis exactly how one should – as an opportunity.
Exiting gracefully from a recession is traditionally accomplished by way of waging a war or two. Unfortunately, the various administrations that got us into this mess have done the war thing to death, quite literally it would seem.
So with the armed forces stretched to breaking point and the list of easily invaded and conquered/liberated nations shrinking by the day, we must turn our attention to our countrymen and women.
Am I suggesting civil war? Well, not exactly. But there are certainly a few expendable groups of citizens that by their very nature are volunteering to take one for the team and get things back on track.
Firstly, renters. No country ever achieved greatness due to the hard work of renters. These people are the kind of commitment-shy, fence-sitting, flip-flopping, oh-not-right-now-I’ll-do-it-later, prepaid mobile phone plan using layabouts that caused half the problems we face today.
Secondly, personal injury lawyers. Thanks to these eels, we are already lumbered with such a litigious society that an individual who lacks the nous (and presumably the necessary opposable thumbs) to operate a cup of coffee without scalding themselves is rendered an instant millionaire. A recession brings with it desperation, and desperation brings with it the motivation to sue someone for utterly ludicrous reasons. The last thing we need is people or organisations being sued for money they don’t have.
Finally, anyone worth two bob at Apple. That such an expensive device designed to electronically soil itself almost immediately after purchase became the status symbol of a generation is a damning indictment on the most recent economic boom. A new advertising campaign of silhouetted imbeciles with white headphones dancing their way up to the unemployment office is in order.
Casting aside our collection of villains for the moment, let us turn our attention to my proposed remedy for our current woes – construction. Ignore the fact that grossly inflated property prices were to an extent a partial cause of this maelstrom of debt. Building more housing developments will do nothing other than give renters yet another opportunity to um and ah. What I propose is the state sponsored construction of coliseums in the capital cities of all developed nations.
The Colosseum in Rome was constructed over the course of a decade. Given the advances in construction technology, today one could expect a similar project to be completed in a year. Allowing for the interference of unions and organised crime, a safe estimate would be two years. If the self-proclaimed experts are to be believed, this is also roughly how long the recession is expected to last.
In addition to established construction firms, any individual left jobless as a result of the downturn would be given the opportunity to work on this project. As well as affecting the unemployment rate, wages paid to workers would in turn be injected into the ailing economy.
Temporary rises in employment and cash flow shall obviously be a positive, as will the civic pride generated by the presence of such a noble structure. However these alone will not cure the overall problems currently facing the economy. This is where the gaggle of bloodsucking bottom feeders mentioned earlier come into play.
A coliseum is nothing but a notable achievement in architecture until it is filled with entertainment. In ancient Rome, fearsome gladiators not unlike airborne telephone enthusiast Russell Crowe would entertain the masses by way of slaying all manner of foes in gruesome battles.
Tedious human rights campaigners have done their best to erode good old fashioned fun over the last couple of millennia, but with the collapse of the economy, their sun-dried tomato-nibbling, Chardonnay-swilling time has thankfully passed. All bets are off, and the salivating masses need their suppressed blood-lust appeased.
Whilst one is tempted to suggest instantly gratifying mob justice solutions, such as having any bank executive that has received a large bonus become the recipient of an even larger public stoning, that would be rather unsophisticated. We can do better. You forget that we now have a coliseum at our disposal.
The masses shall be ushered in, paying a nominal fee upon entering. Though wearing bed sheets and wreaths of laurel will be encouraged, it will not be compulsory. Snack food will be included in the price and comprised entirely of grapes hand-fed to the punters.
The renters, the ambulance chasers and Apple’s corporate hierarchy shall be clad in Romanesque attire and assembled in the arena. If necessary, some shall be chained to objects to prevent their cowardly escape.
When the audience is settled, the entertainment may begin. Armour clad warriors, armed to the teeth with swords, shields and maces shall pour into the arena and begin to circle the doomed collection of villains.
Hidden trapdoors shall be flung open, revealing all manner of beasts – leaf tigers, Peruvian groin-gnawing squirrels, hoop anacondas, venomous flying bears, and sabre-toothed Siberian fighting penguins.
And so the orgy of gore shall ensue: blood shall be spilled as the renters are rounded up and run through by the gladiators, begging for their lives and tenancy agreements as the anacondas roll towards them with an evil glint in their eyes. The lawyers shall realise the futility of a class action against the manufacturers of the swords that decapitate half of them, the remainder enduring a painful, groinless demise at the teeth of the Peruvian contingent.
Meanwhile, the entrails of Apple’s corporate dream team shall spill onto the dusty surface of the arena before their soulless bodies are picked bare by a flock of furious penguins. Any plucky survivors will be viciously mauled by cunningly camouflaged leaf tigers and precision attacks from swooping venomous bears.
There may be some that view such a plan as needlessly barbaric and a giant step backwards for humanity. Ignore them. They are almost certainly the kind of folk that would be of more use being slaughtered for your entertainment than sitting around cooing about printing more money and insuring toxic assets.
There is endless fodder for these brutal exhibitions. Think of them not as uncivilised manifestations of a misplaced thirst for scapegoatery, but more as a tactical removal of specific groups and individuals that could potentially cause another recession in the not too distant future.
Raising capital to arouse our limp world economy need not be handled by men in suits behind closed doors when it can just as easily be accomplished by men and women clad in bed sheets and laurel wreaths, cheering on courageous gladiators engaged in a thrilling bloodsport for our own amusement.
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