Queries and Qualms of the Great Unwashed # 1

Glittering promises abound in cyberspace. They range from the seemingly innocuous (increase your length with a free university degree in electronic Viagra distribution) to the potentially life destroying. Yes, I’m looking at you, Mr. Policeman masquerading as farm…well, that doesn’t really matter.

The point is that the world is a dangerous, sexy, and sometimes even dangerously sexy place. One can’t be expected to know the difference between a Nigerian 419 scam artist and a genuinely benevolent prince offering to split US$42.6 million with you. Nor can one be expected to distinguish between a legitimate suitor and a law enforcement official that should have better things to do than entrapping innocent members of chat rooms catering for farm…well, that doesn’t really matter.

Gathered here in the Mobar Gazette headquarters are gifted men and women of differing codpiece and breastplate sizes. They are the indisputable leaders of their chosen fields. Alone, they are formidable opponents. Combined, they are akin to some sort of intellectual Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, though perhaps with more spandex and a fondness for farm…well, that doesn’t really matter.

What’s the point? The intelligentsia hath aligned for your benefit – ask that they may solve your problems, and ye shall receive solutions of a satisfactory standard.

Commence.


Dear Sirs,

How do I find out whether I'm paying too much tax?

Also, what is the most efficient way to clean your bathroom?

Alistair An, East Kew


Dear Alistair

There are a few ways to determine whether you are paying too much tax. Firstly, you may consider contacting the tax office. I would advise against this option as tax office employees generally have a rather biased opinion when it comes to this subject.

I find the most effective way is to submerge your most recent pay slip in a combination of household bleach and canned pineapple pieces. Allow it to absorb the mixture for approximately ten seconds. Remove the pay slip. If your tax deductions are still visible, you are paying too much tax.

With regards to the cleaning of the bathroom, I have an extremely effective method. If you happen to have a combination of household bleach and canned pineapple pieces available, try spraying it on all surfaces in your bathroom. Allow it to absorb the mixture for approximately ten seconds. Shout loudly at the bathroom. This should do the trick. For more stubborn stains, add sump oil.

Yours faithfully,

Stefan Markovski

* * *

To Whom It May Concern:

Do I smell? People at work have moved their desks away from me. They say it’s because the printer is noisy, but I’m worried that I pong.

Kim MacMuir, Rongapui Heights


Hello Kim,

Long before the human race had to concern themselves with such trivial items as printers and cans of deodorant, they possessed but two things – their wits and their instincts. Unfortunately, many lacked the necessary wits to avoid the ever present threat of being abducted and eaten by Pterodactyls.

Thus, they relied on their most primal instincts to avoid such attacks. Did it work? Well, I don’t see any Pterodactyls hosting So You Think You Can Ovulate, do you?

Revel in this victory for humanity, Kim. Revel in it by using your wits to recognize that your instincts are absolutely spot on – you stink to high bloody heaven. Have a bath, you filthy wench.

Cheerio,

Logan Bluetooth

* * *


Sirs,

What is wrong with my houseplant?

Mr. Patel, Hyderabad






Dear Mr. Patel,

No plant owner wants to hear this, but I’ll lay it on the line – your plant is clearly manic depressive with possible suicidal tendencies. The scorched leaves with bite marks betray the inner torment the poor little blighter is going through.

Self-harm amongst plants is rare, but this chap obviously favours extinguishing cigarettes upon his limbs and biting himself. Note his fringe and collection of A Simple Plant albums – a telling sign that he is a member of the eco-emo subculture.

I know you’d like to hear me say “oh, it’s just a phase, he’ll grow out of it”, but roots protruding from the soil and wrapping themselves around his stem suggest he wants out. I need not mention the lake of water in the tray underneath the pot he is clearly trying to drown himself in.

Get a cactus. They’re awesome.

Your pal,

Peter File

* * *


Alright lads,

How long is a piece of string?

Gary Kribisch, Somerset


Hiya Gary,

A piece of string is 18.3cm long.

Regards,

Eoinín McAlpine

* * *

Dear Sir/Madam,

I think more than one person is following me wherever I go. Also, I work in a 4th floor corner office and often think I see people watching me from adjacent rooftops. Am I just being paranoid or is someone really after me?

David Cheddar, West Missouri


Dear Dave,

Kurt Cobain once sang “just because you’re paranoid, don’t mean they’re not after you”. Not long after, he was found dead, undoubtedly the victim of an elaborate plot hatched by professional trollop Courtney Love to disguise his murder at her grubby hands as suicide.

This is not to say that Courtney Love has similar plans for you, but it can’t be ruled out completely. A more likely scenario is that you are under surveillance by an elite counter terrorism unit with vast resources at their disposal.

The chaps you suspect are watching you from the rooftops are undoubtedly highly trained sharp shooters, trigger fingers itching madly as they wait for the green light to put a slug in you.

My hunch is that you unfortunately bear a striking resemblance to a nefarious individual who is considered a high value target for this black-ops outfit. A maniacal warlord, or perhaps an international cocaine distributor.

You can take solace in the fact that death will come quickly and painlessly. Messy, but probably painless. See that your affairs are in order.

Sincerely,

Frank “Missouri” La Fayette