Hot Hits with Hans

Written by Hans Öffmeinbürger with foreword by Logan Bluetooth

You can’t judge a book by its cover. While I couldn’t disagree more with this saying (just look at the dictionary), it thankfully doesn’t apply to music. An album can be judged accurately just by studying its cover. If you really want to go into detail, by all means have a look at the track listing. Listening to it should be a last resort. Efficiency and music go hand in hand.

And if there’s one man who understands both efficiency and music, it is the Mobar Gazette’s new music editor, Hans Öffmeinbürger. Hans combines his natural German efficiency with his encyclopedic knowledge of music to ensure that our discerning readers choose only the hottest new recordings.

His revolutionary approach to reviewing music is brilliant in its simplicity: study the album cover and the song titles, then provide the reader with a brisk review and score out of ten. Enjoy.



Gutentag, mein reizvolle leute! Don’t worry, you will get very little German from me. I am almost as excellent at English as I am at being a superstar international house DJ and music producer. I am here to give you helpful reviews of the latest releases so that you can hear only the most amazing sounds and crazy recordings. Let us begin!




The Killers – Day & Age

Ah, The Killers. I think we all know this band. They have had many big hits on the radio, like that one about having a boyfriend that looked like a girlfriend. I once had a boyfriend that looked like a girlfriend that I once had, it was very confusing. I would introduce him to people as Klaudette, but his name was Klaus!

Anyway, The Killers. They are not very good. The singer sounds like he has been beaten with a piece of limp celery. A piece of limp celery would probably be a better singer than him.

The cover of this record is very boring. The moon, or maybe the sun and some trees. What is that saying? Hello, we are The Killers, we are as interesting as some trees and the moon or maybe the sun. We couldn’t think of a good title so we chose Day & Age. We like limp celery.

The song titles aren’t much better. This Is Your Life. I Can’t Stay. The World We Live In. Oh my GOD. I did however like Neon Tiger, because it makes me think of a tiger that maybe likes to party a lot.

I actually heard one of the songs from this record, Human. It is a terrible song. He just keeps asking “are we human, or are we dancer?” Perhaps this is a rhetorical question, but I will answer him – you are neither. You are a talentless piece of limp celery. I give this album 0/10.


Metro Station – Metro Station


Normally I would be very suspicious of a self-titled album. Very unimaginative. But this cover has many bright colours, and some squiggly lines shooting through space which I think is very cool. Also, the name Metro Station sounds like a train station that I would like to go to.

The song titles unfortunately do not live up to the excitement promised by the cover. One is called Seventeen Forever. There is another called Wish We Were Older. Clearly this is just a bunch of pathetic children who are crying about not being able to buy alcohol and go clubbing, and are such losers that they haven’t even considered getting a fake ID.

I saw one of these songs on the television the other day. Shake It. They are terrible, maybe even worse than The Killers. I was right. They are just children, painful silly children with the stupid haircuts and the terrible music.

There is another song on this record called Tell Me What To Do. With pleasure – go back to school, stop crying, and never ever make music again, you annoying little brats. I give this album 1/10 because the cover was okay.


Ronan Keating – Songs for my Mother

I did not want to review this record at first, because I thought Ronan Keating does not like to party. Everybody knows that all Irish people are alcoholics. Not Ronan. I met him once and asked him if he would like to come and party, and he said he couldn’t because he had a hair appointment. I do not think he is really Irish.

I saw the title, Songs for my Mother, and I thought oh nein, 45 minutes of him singing about how much he loves his mummy doing his hair, this will be a short review. 0/10 – LOSER. Also, the cover…what do I say? He almost blends into the beige background.

But then I looked at the track titles. Make You Feel My Love. Both Sides Now. I thought, these are songs for his mother? Ja ja, now we are getting kinky! Vincent. Who is Vincent? I don’t care, I like where this is going.

I Believe I Can Fly. I will tell you something. I don’t know what the square root of 823169 is, but I do know that when someone tells you they believe they can fly, it is almost always because they have been taking lots and lots of mescaline. I can also tell you that they definitely cannot fly, unless it is in a helicopter to the emergency ward.

I judged Ronan Keating too quickly. He might have told me that he had a hair appointment, but what he probably meant to say was “I’m very sorry Hans, but I am too busy partying and having fun times with my mother!” I give this record 9/10.