Vegans: Limp-Wristed Benefit Scroungers or Cunning Corporate Conspiracy?

Written by Logan Bluetooth

I have been on the receiving end of many a mordant barb in my brief time upon this mortal coil. Some have been imaginative (self-important coiffured purveyor of misery), others have been rather coarse (corporate pillow biter), some quick and to the point (wanker), and one I haven’t quite worked out yet - though I will be sure to let you know when I find out precisely what a Cleveland Steamer is.

However, much to the chagrin of my verbal assailants, one develops a rhinoceros-like hide after working as a highly lauded efficiency expert for many years. It’s all water off an obscenely remunerated duck’s back.

That said, I recently found myself ever so slightly affected by a verbal stoush in the last place one expects to become embroiled in a childish argument – an internet discussion forum. More surprising was that it was in response to my complimenting this gentleman on what I perceived as his being an exceptionally adroit satirist.

His rejoinder? Well, I shall save you the horror of quoting verbatim his rather vulgar response, but the key phrase directed at me was “corpse-muncher”. I was not the only unfortunate soul to be labelled as a corpse-muncher. Anyone who dared question this self-proclaimed saviour of the human race also found themselves on the receiving end of his repetitive keyboard bashing.

As the sharper amongst you may have deduced from the title of this article, this chap was a vegan. A prominent one too, though prominence in the world of veganism seems to be about as valuable as being a prominent stamp collector. The point is, I had been attacked, exposed as an evil corpse-munching drain on humanity.

The more I read of his arguments for avoiding the consumption of animal products, the more dubious I became of his motives, and the more convinced I became of my original impression of him as being a grand wizard of satire.

Possibly the most convincing (and presumably with the research to back it up) of his wild claims was his deduction that the consumption of meat and animal products by children caused school shootings. Yes, you read that correctly.

Rather than the usual scapegoats/scapetofu (rap music, heavy metal, video games, the internetz) so favoured by the tabloids, this perceptive fellow had finally identified the root cause of school shootings. That disenfranchised teen stalking the school corridors, clutching a machine gun, emptying clip after clip and lobbing homemade bombs amongst his fellow pupils is driven by nothing other than the thirst for blood garnered from munching on dead animals.

It would be unfair of me to hold this moron up as a typical example of a vegan, just as it would be if I were to base my opinions of Christians, Muslims and Australians on the actions of Timothy McVeigh, Osama Bin Laden and Peter Andre, respectively. Unfortunately for moderate vegans, there were far too many willing participants in this all-in orgy of douchebaggery.

Morally superior ambassadors for the cause took great delight in comparing non-vegans to murderers, rapists, paedophiles, racists, slave-owners, and Nazis. Our protagonist agreed vehemently, claiming that “there is a holocaust going on right under their noses 3 times a day and they can’t even see/smell it”. Inspiring stuff, and Jews the world over would no doubt agree as they renounce their evil meat-eating ways.

His most oft repeated claim was that eating meat “is not a personal choice when you are eating my friends and you are ruining my world. When you made your personal choice did you ask the animal if you could confine, torture, and murder him or her?”

Of course we didn’t, you dolt. Very few animals have the ability to speak, and even fewer the ability to engage in a lucid conversation with a being as intelligent as a human. This superior intellect has placed us at the apex of predators, and thus allows us to do whatever we want, whenever we want – this includes eating animals and arguing on the internet.

Rise above it, Bluetooth, I kept saying to myself. You can get him back later by writing a snappy article for the Gazette that makes fun of his beliefs. It may seem that I have taken the bait and given this cud-chewing internet activist the anonymous recognition he so obviously craves, but you’d be wrong.

Unwilling to accept that somebody really wanted me to choke on a chicken bone and die, I turned off the computer, furnished myself with some deliciously rich foie gras and did what I do best – engaged in a period of deeply intellectual introspection, which led to many important and relevant revelations which I shall now share for the benefit of your personal development.

Perhaps these were simply the actions of a lunatic fringe that caused the rest of the vegan community to cringe in unison. But if the internetz have taught me anything, it is that Occam’s Razor is something emo kids on Myspace use to cut themselves, and that the most likely explanation of any phenomenon is very rarely the correct one.

Who stands to profit from veganism? Considering only directly impacted parties, producers of fruit, vegetables, grains etc would experience a considerable financial windfall, but let’s face it – they aren’t exactly the rampant capitalists that they could be. If they were, it is unlikely that a bunch of pinkos like vegans would be into what they were selling.

Therefore, perhaps a more pertinent question would be – who stands to lose from veganism? The short answer – pretty much anybody apart from vegans. The meat, dairy, restaurant and leather industries would cease to exist. McDonalds would have a hard time selling the McSeaweed burger. Kentucky Fried Tofu doesn’t exactly make the mouth water in the same way that deep fried chicken giblets do.

Widespread veganism would cause absolute and unabated financial ruin to almost every established and developing economy, plunging the globe into such ruin that bankers would suddenly seem like pretty tolerable individuals.

Therefore, I put it to you that there are but a handful of true vegans, and certainly no such thing as an entire community of them. Vegans are undoubtedly a cunning invention of a secret alliance of concerned nations, created to steer potential vegetarians and perhaps even vegetarians themselves back towards the comfort of a medium rare fillet mignon.

Outlandish? Hardly. False flag operations have been executed throughout history by most of the superpowers of the world to shift public opinion and start major wars. Faced with the undeniably catastrophic repercussions that widespread vegetarianism and veganism would cause, these well oiled machines would do everything in their power to prevent such an abhorrent event from occurring.

The seemingly irrational and moronic individuals that successfully goaded me into a verbal tussle did their job, and did it with what can only be described as military precision. Not only did I loudly embrace my omnivoratic ways in a public forum, I then felt it necessary to devote over 1000 words elsewhere to belittling the tenets of veganism. Mission accomplished, it would seem.

But hang on – I have exposed a global conspiracy. Shady government organisations joining forces to defeat a non-existent enemy by spreading anti-vegan propaganda. Surely now it would be hypocritical of me not to renounce my consumption of animal products, start wearing hemp clothing and join the mailing list for various socialist newsletters.

Au contraire, I fully support this conspiracy. I adore capitalism, and have come to accept that even though every vein of government is poisoned by corruption, they generally have our best interests at heart. Sure, a few people might get persecuted or killed along the way, but the ends always tends to justify the means. Politicians and secret service agents posing as militant vegans have to live here too, which proves that having a vested interest isn’t always a bad thing.

To sum up, you should by all means continue to treat vegans with the same level of apprehensiveness and disdain as you currently do. But after you’ve flung a pork chop at their head and told them to get a job, the respectful thing to do would be to give a furtive wink and thank them for protecting the interests of the nation.