World's Deadliest: The Russell Crow

Written by Peter File

Of all the dangerous creatures that exist on this lethal planet, few people would mention birds in the same breath as snakes, sharks or the big cats of Africa. Birds are generally thought of as harmless, carefree little things, happily flying around and whistling cheerful tunes. Sparrows, parrots, wrens, budgerigars – hardly the stuff of nightmares, are they?

However, while they may not be well known, there are many birds that pose a serious threat to humans. The Transylvanian stealth pterodactyl, carnivorous sabre-toothed mallard (native to Greenland), and the giant English tit have all chalked up multiple fatalities. It is worth noting that the giant English tit is generally only found in parliament and local authority buildings.

The danger posed by these winged terrors, however, pales into insignificance when compared with the most dangerous of all birds – the Russell crow.

The Russell crow is truly unique in that only one has ever existed. It has been hypothesised that it is genetically impossible for more than one to exist, a theory which the Russell crow has often confirmed to anyone who will listen.

The origin of this species has been widely debated and disputed. Australia, a small prison colony in the southern hemisphere, and their close neighbours New Zealand both deny responsibility. The generally accepted view is that while the Russell crow is undoubtedly of New Zealand origin, it migrated to Australia in search of publicity, one of its main sources of sustenance.

The Russell crow is a crow by name only, sharing few likenesses with the other members of the species. One notable similarity is that like other crows, it is considered to be a pest in most countries. Any efforts to eradicate the Russell crow have been unsuccessful, as it is such a hostile creature, willing to violently defend itself if threatened in any way.

The violence of the Russell crow is legendary, and often unprovoked. In addition to attacking prey with its large beak and razor sharp claws, it has also been known to improvise and use seemingly innocuous items to assault foes – telephones, for example.

The frequently aggressive behaviour displayed is due in part to the Russell crow’s peculiar diet. While this is by no means an exhaustive list, it has been observed feeding upon hard liquor, cigarettes, nightclub bouncers, press photographers, and fair haired actresses.

Its main sources of food, however, are recognition and fame. These are derived from many places. It is a highly adaptable creature, having appeared as a variety of characters in numerous films that have grossed highly at the box office. Whilst it is generally regarded as a poor actor by human standards, most ornithologists agree that it is the finest avian actor ever to have appeared on the big screen.

In addition to films, it also produces poetry of a standard roughly equal to that of a tea towel. Seemingly unsatisfied with its acting and poetry commitments, the Russell crow is also the lead singer for a band considered by most people with the ability to hear to be an insult to music. It is worth noting that the Russell crow is of no relation to another well known songbird, the Sheryl crow.

This insatiable appetite for fame is but one of many differences between the Russell crow and the common crow. The most striking dissimilarity between the two is that the Russell crow is predominantly flightless. Although New Zealand is also home to another flightless bird, the kiwi, it does not appear to be a genetic trait. Rather, it is due to the wings of the Russell crow lacking the strength to support the weight of its own ego. Jumbo jets are the only aircraft large and powerful enough to transport such a mammoth cargo.

The call of the Russell crow also differs greatly to that of its corvid relations. Rather than the typical “caw” emitted by most crows, the Russell crow’s call gears more towards shameless self-promotion, such as “G’day, I’ve written a bloody poem, do you wanna hear it?” An example of one of its more aggressive calls is “Whaddya lookin’ at? D’ya wanna bloody punch in the nose, ya bloody drongo?”

Its nesting habits are also atypical when compared to common crows. Rather than inhabiting a specific geographical location and building a modest abode from twigs, the Russell crow prefers to nest in palatial mansions in varied locations across the globe.

Not only is it potentially lethal if it perceives an observer to be a threat, it is becoming quite evident that it has developed the ability to woo human females. While not confirmed, reports also suggest that it has spawned at least two offspring. It has not yet been determined whether this cross-breeding will strengthen or weaken the dominant characteristics inherent in the Russell crow.

The Russell crow is a tempting subject for any budding ornithologist. Lacking the introversion possessed by most other species of bird, its frequently explosive appearances in public make for fascinating observation. Unfortunately, it should be avoided at all costs.