When Queries & Qualms of the Great Unwashed was launched with great fanfare as a semi-regular feature mere months ago, very few of us thought that it would morph into a hugely popular series of culturally relevant and extremely well worded essays garnering vast respect from the international academic community. Indeed, we were indisputably precise in our prediction.It is the political backbencher of Mobar Gazette articles, a substitution called upon when all the star players have suffered crippling injuries, an inclusion by default, a last resort. It demands no more than a couple of hundred words from each columnist. It is code for an entire magazine staff bereft of imagination and sobriety.
Like vodka that solidifies if placed in a freezer, it is cheap, nasty, and leaves a disgusting taste in one’s mouth after consumption. The gutter is too fine a place for this insult to legitimate literature – it belongs in a place where waste that is too foul for rubbish bins begins its journey into malodorous oblivion. Accordingly, we dedicate this edition of Q & QOTGU to our humble and trustworthy friend - the toilet.
Dear Mobar Gazette,
I recently took the plunge and moved into an apartment with my girlfriend. She’s a pretty special lady, but since we’ve been living together she’s really been on my case about my leaving the toilet seat up. What’s the deal with that? Should I put it down after I use it or what?
Sincerely,
Glen Postelthwaite, Idaho
Hi Glen,
Frankly, as a woman I’ve never really understood this argument, despite the fact that it seems to polarise almost every toilet user. It seems simple enough – women want the seat down, men want it up. Women seem to be the only ones who complain about the arduous task of moving the seat 45 degrees though, presumably because they lack the conviction and upper arm strength of men.
You are at the precipice of commitment here, Glen, and you have a big decision to make. Start putting the toilet seat down, thus setting a precedent for this slapper to walk all over you for the rest of your life. Alternatively, tell her that it really bugs you when she doesn’t leave the toilet seat up and if she was any kind of woman, she’d shut her mouth and hurry up with your steak dinner.
Hope this helps,
Nataliya Dmitrieva
Dear Sir/Madam,
There is a blockage in my toilet. I have purchased a toilet plunger, but I am at a loss as how exactly it is used to remove the blockage from my toilet. How does it work?
Yours, etc.
Antoine Bidet, Paris
Salut Antoine,
The toilet plunger is a complicated contraption, but once mastered, it is a pleasure to use and a life skill well worth noting on one’s curriculum vitae. A common mistake made by plunger novices is to attempt to extract the blockage by placing the plunger in the toilet bowl and thrusting it repeatedly to loosen the obstruction.
Rather, the correct method is to grip the top of the wooden handle in your left hand, then carefully place the rubber cup over your mouth and nose. This masks any unpleasant odours and allows the user to enjoy the sweet aroma of industrial rubber.
Once the plunger is secured on your face, submerge your right hand in the toilet bowl and venture upstream until you reach the cause of the blockage. Use whatever means necessary to dislodge the obstruction, then remove and thoroughly wash your right hand.
Kind regards,
Eoinín McAlpine
To Whom It May Concern,When in friendly company, I often find excusing myself to use the facilities for a more substantial reason than urination somewhat difficult. Is there perhaps a euphemism I could use without resorting to unnecessary coarseness or vulgarity?
Chooka Robinson, Cranbourne
Dearest Chooka,
One of the following alternatives should suffice. Excuse me for a few minutes, I am going to: deliver the federal budget, sell an endowment policy, write a column for the Daily Mail, engage a personal injury lawyer, write Nickelback’s next album, or my personal favourite – I’m just going to go and recite some dialogue from Pearl Harbour.
All the best,
Logan Bluetooth
Hullo Chaps,
What is, in your opinion, the minimum amount of ply required in toilet tissue?
Regards,
Alison Dungaree, West Swampington
Hai Alison,
Anything less than four ply is a gross insult to the sanctity of your nether regions.
Yours truly,
Katsuki Akimoto
Sirs,When urinating in public houses, I am often unsure as to the appropriate behaviour when sharing a urinal with other gentlemen. Please advise.
Regards,
Richard Moorcock, Tinselthwaite Downs
Good Afternoon Richard,
Contrary to popular opinion, group urination should not be treated as an awkward social situation that one must exit from as soon as possible. It is a solemn, male bonding experience.
Your should congratulate your peers on the strength of their streams, and comment favourably upon the stench and hue of their emissions. Laugh boisterously if you are able to move any of the urinal cakes. At the conclusion of your emanations, a hearty pat on the back is encouraged.
Sincerely,
Alik Dmitriev
Dear Mr File,
How many bottles of vodka can be hidden in a toilet cistern before the flushing mechanism becomes noticeably affected?
Kind regards,
Louise de Souse, Vancouver
Louise,
What do you mean, “Dear Mr File”? Why have I been singled out as the in-house authority on hiding spirits in toilets? Do I give the impression that I am somehow more ridden with vice than the rest of the staff here? Am I often sighted on park benches, guzzling from bottles in brown paper bags? Am I touching strangers inappropriately, shouting at rubbish bins and vomiting in telephone booths? How dare you.
In answer to your question, twelve bottles.
Yours fabulously,
Peter File
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