Death of an Online Salesman

Written with petulant contempt by Peter File

Dear Mr Gschwandtner,

I write in response to your recent missive regarding the article I penned last week for the Mobar Gazette. As the editor of such a well known publication as Selling Power, I am honoured that you were able to find the time to read and respond to my paltry literary effort. I can only hope that one day, the Mobar Gazette shall reach the lofty peaks of online popularity that you inhabit.

A scurrilous rumour was circulating in the wake of your communiqué. Some of the other writers here had the gall to suggest that you did not write the letter at all, and that the response was generated by some sort of futuristic advertising robot with the power to pick up the scandalous misuse of the phrase “selling power” and post automated responses, and possibly also vaporise naughty writers by shooting them with deadly laser beams.

I vehemently disagreed and put it down to professional jealousy. As enamoured with your professional interest as I was and still am, I feel that I must extend you the same professional courtesy you have afforded me and point out one or two errors in your response.

You claim “the word ‘Selling Power’ is sometimes erroneously used as a synonym for sales effectiveness.” Firstly, selling power is in fact, two words – selling of course being the first word, followed soon after by the second word, power. I would also disagree with your assertion that it is used erroneously as a synonym for sales effectiveness. It is an entirely accurate substitution for sales effectiveness, as I’m sure anyone with a dictionary and a couple of years of primary school education under their belt will confirm for you.

You also claim that I wrote “And does her opinion have selling power, does her word really equal higher figures?” I wrote no such thing. I also find it concerning that the example you have used seems to betray an underlying misogyny present in an industry only willing to include women when they are clad in bikinis, selling power tools. The phrase I used was “I’m a firm believer in the selling power of lies”. It was meant to be a witty contradiction, but I now accept that it was really only a contradiction.

On a more positive note, may I express my most sincere gratitude for the plethora of alternative terminology you offered for the next time I dare to utter the sacred phrase “selling power”. When suffering from writer’s block, I often yearn for the vast linguistic knowledge of a salesman. As a token of my appreciation, I thought I might offer you a few alternative terms for “salesman”. Try one of the following: soulless bottom feeder, vile guttersnipe, parasitical sham, slimy invertebrate, silver-tongued eel, parthenogenetic lowlife, or if rhyming slang is your thing – James Blunt.

I also noticed a lot of references to the misuse of your trademark. The phrase “selling power” is allegedly your legal trademark, and you don’t condone such uses of it. Oh NO! You don’t condone it? Well, I don’t condone people drinking bottles of vodka through funnels and then attempting to operate heavy machinery, but I can’t stop them from doing so.

You also expressed a fear that “selling power” could be declared, by the courts no less, a generic word. Let me allay those fears – the men and women in positions of power in the courts generally have a couple of educational qualifications under their robes, and would almost certainly be more than happy to tell you that it is a phrase, not a word. They would then probably go on to tell you that you can’t trademark a phrase, possibly hold you in contempt of court for being an unholy carcinogenic drain on society, then tell you to get back to hawking useless kitchen appliances on late night television.

I sincerely hope that this written acknowledgement has been of an acceptable standard to you and your reptilian ilk. I would like to leave you with a quote from a man you may be familiar with – Willy Loman, a well-known salesman like yourself.

“After all the highways, and the trains, and the appointments, and the years, you end up worth more dead than alive.”

Yours sincerely,

Peter File