World's Deadliest: Sabre-Toothed Commerce Duck

Written with arrogant chutzpah by Annette Curtain

For those of you who are au fait with Greek mythology, the story of the phoenix is a familiar one. Sporting a vibrant plumage and a tail of scarlet, purple and gold, the phoenix lives for nigh on 1000 years. Faced with its own impending death, the creature builds a nest from myrrh twigs which promptly ignites and burns both bird and nest to a crisp. Then, defying the laws of physics, a new phoenix rises from the still smouldering ashes, destined to live for as long as the previous one.

Like almost all Greek mythology, this story is little more than a myth; a colourful tale to pass the time between being hand fed grapes by bed sheet clad servants and indulging in non-standard sexual intercourse. While you may find yourself entirely disillusioned by this exposure of the lack of truth in myths, it does at least provide one with the opportunity to use this colourful tale as a poorly chosen and considerably drawn out analogy, or metaphor, or simile…as if you really know the difference between them anyway. Oh, the digressiveness.

It is hard to believe that nearly a year has elapsed since the spectacular collapse of the financial industry. Rather than myrrh twigs, the industry had been built upon a rock solid foundation of irresponsible lending, ponzi schemes and 125% mortgages for anyone who could see the sound thinking behind such products. Alas, the hard working architects of the sub-prime mortgage market could do little more than enjoy a final money bath, devour the last of their ill-gotten cocaine and watch helplessly as their years of honest and hard work went up in a fire as fierce as the pits of hell.

The blaze was all encompassing; it consumed bank after bank, vaporised government surpluses, and caused property prices to drop faster than an overfed credit analyst plummeting from the window of a 37th floor boardroom. And so it has smouldered for the best part of a year, torching stimulus packages and government bail-outs as though they were tinder dry kindling. Fearful of its fiery power, banks have refused to risk lending to each other. There seemed to be not a skerrick of hope for a recovery – until now. For just as the noble phoenix once rose triumphantly from the remains of its myrrh rich nest, a winged symbol of optimism for a new generation is soaring above the charred remains of the British financial industry – the sabre-toothed commerce duck.

A joint initiative between the Bank of England and the Financial Services Authority, the sabre-toothed commerce duck is steeped in mystery, rather than the rich plum sauce most City bankers are accustomed to. As its name suggests, the duck is armed with a pair of razor sharp teeth, and if early reports are anything to go by, it is entirely unafraid to use them.

Nigel Chuffington-Twixley, a 49 year old senior lending manager with the Royal Bank of Scotland, was last week enjoying a quiet brandy with some of his colleagues after work. Witnesses claim that almost immediately after Chuffington-Twixley had described the chances of RBS increasing lending to small businesses “as likely as me not having kinky sex in the spa with a bunch of high class hookers tonight”, the sabre-toothed commerce duck swooped into the bar and dragged him through the door before he had enjoyed the laughter created by his hilarious remark. Patrons exited the premises in time to witness Chuffington-Twixley being ripped limb from limb by the duck and deposited in a bloody heap of body parts in the middle of busy Oxford street.

Mere hours after this vicious attack, a group of Lloyds TSB debt collectors were sprayed with the blood of their colleague in a trendy karaoke bar in south London as the sabre-toothed commerce duck struck again. Lucy Vaughn-Polo, a distraught witness, described the scene in which her co-worker, 26 year old mortgage arrears consultant Jonathan Fluffbury, was disembowelled by the merciless water bird. “’E’d just got up to do ‘is song, an’ ‘e dedicated it to anyone who was be’ind wiv their mortgage. Then when ‘e star’ed singin’, this duck flew in an’ proper mashed ‘is ‘ead up!” Other colleagues confirmed Fluffbury had sung Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s Baby I Got Ya Money.

Neville Sadler-Simpson, head of the FSA’s bio-mechanical research division, was unapologetic when questioned about the attacks. He claimed that lenders were all too happy to accept government bail-out packages, yet refused to share their newfound solvency with business clients. In the eyes of the FSA and Bank of England, this was justification enough to release the deadly duck. Sadler-Simpson went on to issue a dire warning to the banks – start lending, or expect to lose an employee a day to duck related attacks.

The sabre-toothed commerce duck is the evil brainchild of resident malevolent FSA scientist Dr Julius Blackheart. Blessed with an abundance of government funding and a cynical yet accurate worldview, Blackheart began creating the duck two years ago. After successfully injecting a duck embryo with the sabre-toothed gene, the cape-clad super villain set about partially mechanising the normally minute brain found in the skull of a duck. After a CPU was successfully installed, it was merely a matter of programming the vicious bird with a series of trigger words and phrases that, if uttered, would cause the winged assassin to unleash a furious vengeance upon the unwitting speaker.

The unprecedented success of the scheme thus far has led to a similar scheme being implemented by financial chiefs in the United States, who are said to be extremely impressed by the no nonsense attitude taken by the British duck. Laser guided grizzly bears have been deployed in major cities around America, and initial reports indicate that they are having a positive impact. Texan pancake farmer Bob “Short Stack” Carter described with rural glee his success in applying for finance for a new combine harvester. “Well Mr Morgendörffer, the bank manager, he done told me, “Now Bob, you ain’t getting’ no new combine harvester, see,” then this big grizzly bar come runnin’ into the bank and done ripped his throat clean out! So then Mr Bushworthy, he’s the assistant manager, he just asked me how much I wanted and how soon I wanted it!”

Back in the UK, bespectacled Bank of England chief Mervyn King is as bereft of sympathy for the arrogant chutzpah of City bankers as the reptilian suits of the FSA. King, by all accounts deeply proud of his growing collection of snappy sound bites, responded to criticism of the heavy handed tactics employed by the sabre-toothed commerce duck by stating “banks must understand that while in previous years they have had to deal only with bear or bull markets, if they continue to thumb their noses at struggling business clients, they shall have to endure a duck market.” King went on to clarify the difference between the current duck market and the bustling and aromatic duck markets usually found in downtown Beijing.