Hot Hits With Hans # 4

Written with a glow stick by Hans Öffmeinbürger

Oh, hallo meine liebevollen ventilatoren! Well, what an exciting musical week it has been, don’t you think? So many amazing things happened, but all of them were overshadowed by the release of the highly anticipated The Beatles (Remastered) 2009, a long overdue compilation of Beatles songs that were previously available only in pretty much every single record shop in the world. But this is different, because this release comes in a box and the recordings have been delicately tweaked by expert sound engineers, so delicately in fact that only a dog could hear the difference. But it also comes in a box. Is this sounding cynical? Perhaps a little. I should admit that Hans is more of a Rolling Stones man, mainly because they have a dedication to partying that Hans can relate to. Hans can’t relate to the Beatles, apart from the bass player. I say that because I once went on a four day bender and woke up next to a very angry and evil woman with only one leg. In retrospect, it was very insensitive of me to kick her out of my house. I should have thrown her out.

Achtung, here is the rest of the music news!


WHEN A MAN LOVES A GAMING CONSOLE

Proving once again that you can get blood out of a stone by flogging a dead horse with it, Sony have released yet another instalment of the highly popular Guitar Hero brand. It is a bold move from a company that recently experienced its lowest sales of a game ever after releasing Emo Hero, in which players attempt to look as disenfranchised as possible while still playing all the correct notes to the most popular Emo music. The game was judged a failure after members of the increasingly tedious subculture claimed they were suffering from, like, depression and stuff, because their fringes made it impossible to see the screen.

There have been no such complaints from fans of the newest version – Power Ballad Hero. Pre-orders have kept those at Sony HQ busy, especially after this week’s cross promotional launch of Michael Bolton’s hit new single A Touch Too Sexual. Bolton has lent more than his vocals to the game too. The ageing balladeer had hundreds of motion sensors attached to his body and flowing tresses in order to accurately capture the intricate physical movements integral to the delivery of a power ballad. Players will not only be judged on hitting the right notes, but also making appropriate power hand gestures and pained facial expressions.

Some of the other artists featured on Power Ballad Hero are Journey, Boston, Toto and the indefatigable John Farnham. Sony, possibly while high on white board markers, have indicated that they will not rest until every genre and musical instrument has been immortalised on the small screen. Rumoured future titles include Ukulele Hero, Trombone Hero, Castanet Hero and Rock Band: Peter Andre.


CHRIS BROWN’S BOW TIE SEEKS TO DISTANCE ITSELF FROM CHRIS BROWN

If you’re having a bad year, spare a thought for beleaguered auto-tune aficionado Chris Brown. Twelve months ago, he was on top of the world. Chart-topping songs, a famous and therefore pretty girlfriend, and legions of tone-deaf fans. Fast forward to 2009, and things aren’t looking so rosy. Details are probably needless at this point, but for the hermits amongst you – Brown, suffering from a lack of exercise and food, attempted to solve both problems by exercising his fists on now ex-girlfriend Rhianna and then attempting to eat her. Brown’s agent, clearly a firm believer in the saying “any publicity is good publicity, even if it’s because you beat up a woman”, saw an opportunity for redemption (and promotion) and promptly booked Brown for an interview on the Larry King Show – in an adorable little bow tie.

Contrary to the intent of his agent, Brown’s inarticulate explanation of his misdeeds was overshadowed by the undeniable star power of his spotted clothing accessory. Within hours of his claims of temporary amnesia induced by beating a woman he doesn’t remember beating, Brown’s bow tie had graduated from innocuous neck warmer to the biggest internet sensation since, well, whatever the last big internet sensation was. The navel gazing folk at Twitter put down their mirrors for long enough to discuss Chris Brown’s bow tie at length, and so a temporary legend was born.

As it is with most overnight sensations nowadays, things have moved impossibly fast. The accessory favoured by kooky professors has already released its debut album, the auto-tune heavy and imaginatively titled Chris Brown’s Bow Tie. After receiving a Grammy nomination for the record, the bow tie has been booked to appear on The Late Show with David Letterman, started a violent feud with rival fashion accessory Kanye West’s Venetian Sunglasses, checked into the Priory due to “exhaustion” (sources suggest a possible addiction to fabric softener), released its signature fragrance Urban Butterfly, and late last night was reported as having been arrested by the LAPD after allegedly strangling and biting on again/off again partner Lily Allen’s Hoop Earrings.


CELEBRATED AVANT GARDE FOREIGN MUSICIAN LIVING IN SQUALOR

Shocking reports have emerged that hugely popular underground Cuban urban percussionist Oscar Grouchéro is living in abject poverty. Despite a sell-out tour of North America and impressive sales of his debut album Del Canal a Las Estrellas, distressing pictures surfaced this week of Grouchéro living in what is unquestionably a rubbish bin. The cutting edge ethnic musician was described by paparazzi responsible for the damaging images as “surly” and “outwardly hostile to all and sundry”.

Residents of the Havana slum in which the bin is located confirmed the troubling reports, but were quick to defend the eccentric recluse. “This man, senor Grouchéro, he is muy enojado, last week he threw some chicken bones at me just because I said buenos dias,” said Pablo Hernandez, a local man. “But I think he is a good man, he is always nice to the niños, he is teaching them to play the drums.”

Grouchéro’s flamboyant manager, former Parisian party promotion king Barry “Big Bird” Grandoiseau played down the pictures and accused the paparazzi of interfering with his artist’s creative process. “This is a load of shit,” Grandoiseau snapped at a press conference yesterday. “Oscar is an urban artist, he must stay in touch with his ghetto roots. You have these men with cameras, they interrupt a creative genius and say he is living in a trash can. What they don’t know is that it is a big trash can, and Oscar has many items of extravagance in the trash can, like a pool, and a farm, an elephant, and an interdimensional portal.”