FOX NEWS has found 'a significant amount' of conservative commentators skulking about inside a crater on the Moon in a discovery that could pave the way for fair and balanced lunar reporting. The network announced that last month's audacious attempt to smash two spacecraft into the Moon's rocky surface to find opinions that aren’t gay was a major success.
The $59million bombing raid threw up a mile-high plume of quasi-journalists with refreshingly sensible views, including a large cluster of anti-immigration supporters who had been locked away in a deep crater at the lunar south pole. The bottom of the crater had not seen light for billions of years, which served only to exacerbate their prejudice against dark matter.
The revelation may bring closer the day when Fox News creates a permanent lunar base, using the conservative commentators buried in the rocks to enlighten nearby liberal planets such as Jupiter, whose surface is currently obscured by violent storms of cafe lattes, Noam Chomsky essays and sun-dried tomatoes.
A spokesman for Fox News said last night: 'The discovery opens a new chapter in our understanding of the Moon, which was previously thought to be nothing but delicious cheese.'
There were fears that last month's experiment had failed when the collision of the two spacecraft failed to produce the expected six-mile-high cloud of awesomeness. Live pictures relayed from the Moon showed no sign of an impact, even though the crafts crashed as planned. But yesterday, Fox News experts who studied the data said instruments trained on the impact saw a significant amount of conservative commentary rising from the surface, including easily identifiable phrases such as ‘it’s political correctness gone mad!’ and ‘I’m not a racist, but Martians should go back to Mars’.
Dr Tony Calabrese, from the Fox News Truth Detection Centre, said: 'Indeed, yes, we found conservative commentators. And we didn't find just one or two, we found a significant amount, enough to man a whole new intergalactic network. We are ecstatic.'
Warner Gluten, chief lunar scientist at Fox News headquarters in Washington, added: 'We're unlocking the mysteries of our nearest neighbour and by extension the solar system.
'It turns out the moon harbours many intelligent beings with their finger on the pulse, which just goes to show that the liberal media should shut up. Period.'
Operation: Enduring Righteousness, which took place on October 9, was watched by millions across the globe live on the internet.One rocket slammed into the newly named O’Reilly crater, near the moon's southern pole, at around 5,600mph, and was followed four minutes later by a spacecraft equipped with cameras to record the columns of razor sharp conservative commentary billowing from the impact zone.
Over the last decade, market analysts have found some hints of right-wing thought on the moon's poles, but this is the best evidence yet.
Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, who in 1969 made his historic Apollo 11 moonwalk with Neil Armstrong, was pleased to hear the latest discovery, but still believes the U.S. should focus on colonizing Mars. Aldrin is concerned that Martians could become radically Islamified or allow gay marriage if conservative commentators aren’t broadcast to the red planet in the next decade.
'People will overreact to this news and say, “Let's have a Fox News channel broadcasting on the moon,"' Aldrin said. 'It doesn't justify that. There are Martians being taught to grow beards and attack Earth, doesn’t that matter to anyone?'
Fox News scientists said it would take more time to analyse what else was kicked up in the conservative dust.
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