Police to have power to get their nude on

Written by Frank Serpico

POLICE will soon have sexy new powers to strip for people at random, even if there is no reasonable suspicion those targeted are into that sort of thing.

The ''stop and strip'' tactic is part of a steamy new law and order crackdown set to be passed by those dirty old perverts in State Parliament, despite the Government conceding that the legislation breaches the Human Rights Charter, albeit in a sexy way.

Legal experts have labelled the proposed laws, which will enable officers to strip for children and the disabled, as an unorthodox and surprisingly kinky reaction to the problem of drunken violence.

Under the legislation, police will also be given the right to use whipped cream, nipple tassels and other stripper props if they believe that wielding their batons in a suggestive manner won’t cut the mustard with their captive audience.

Police Minister and fishnet stocking enthusiast Archibald Roberts says the wide-ranging legislation was necessary to further degrade social standards, and the stripping powers were aimed at preventing an explosion in knife-related violence.

''Police are detecting more young people with knives and when you look at the research, there’s only one thing that the deranged young folk of today find more arousing than knife fights and Twitter, and that’s hardcore nudity,'' Mr Roberts said.

''We've seen that happen in some cities in the United States and especially in London. In London, instead of sticking blades in people, kids are sticking £5 notes in police crevices.

''It’s not just an effective tactic against knife attacks; it’s also a great way for police officers to collect bribes.''

But Mr Roberts' lurid fantasies have been rejected by straight-laced senior lawyers who believe the ''stop and strip'' powers will be misused and are likely to target randy minorities such as delivery drivers, plumbers, Trekkies, and milkmen.

Prudish barrister Paul Frame, president of professional buzz killers Liberty Victoria, said the bill was undemocratic. ''It will clearly involve significant intrusions on ordinary civil liberties and human rights, such as the right to walk the streets and not have a police officer force you to watch them get their kit off to You Sexy Thing,'' he said.

Mr Roberts, who acknowledges areas of his legislation fall outside the Charter of Human Rights, said: ''I acknowledge areas of my legislation fall outside the Charter of Human Rights. And?''

Fred Shellman, chief cold spoon dispenser at the Sex Addiction Legal Clinic, said Mr Roberts' reasoning was spurious. ''Talking about naughty cops in London and America is just vague political posturing that leads to people feeling horny, when statistics show there's no reason they should. It makes my job harder, quite literally in fact.''

The raunchy police powers are being introduced under the Summary Offences and Control of Almost Everything Acts Amendment Bill, which has the firm and passionate support of all the major political parties.

Under the bill, anyone can be subjected to an impromptu police strip show if they are in a designated area. Any area can be designated if it contains land on which a crime could potentially be committed. Big events such as the weekend or days occurring between Monday and Friday can also be targeted.

TMG believes perpetually grumpy police Chief Commissioner Herbert Britches pushed for the new powers after becoming frustrated with the lack of police nudity on his watch. Mr Britches refused to be interviewed about the legislation, sparing us the arduous task of remaining awake and taking notes whilst listening to his monotonous cop voice.