We're Back Like A Chiropractor

Written by Logan Bluetooth

Much like a persistent sexually transmitted illness, The Mobar Gazette has returned yet again, irritating various bodily regions with an all too familiar burning sensation. Not too familiar, however, as I’m sure those of you without visual impairments have noticed. Gone is the black background that served us well for so long, even if it did attract more goths and emos than we would have liked. In its place is a far more racially inclusive colour scheme, designed to reflect the skin tones of modern society – black, dark blue, and some sort of weak pastel. The web designers were a touch evasive when we asked precisely which races these colours represent, but I’m sure it was $20,000 well spent.

Note also our brand new slogan, and our painfully trendy background image of a typewriter in disrepair. I’m told this also represents something, or is a reflection of something to do with society, or something else entirely. Current literacy levels in the office, perhaps. It’s deliberately vague, but edgy, like Scarlett Johansson.

Aesthetic modifications containing subtle social commentary are but the least of the changes that have taken place at Mobar HQ. A group decision was reached (I suggested it, nobody had the cojones to disagree) that we are to return to the hard-hitting news and current affairs reporting that earned us fame and libel suits in the first place. Today’s wireless world has neither the time nor the attention span to be bothered with more than a couple of hundred words. After this one, we’ll be relegating all articles containing more than 300 words to Sundays, where they can be free to be irrelevant along with hangovers, church sermons and NCIS.

Such is our dedication to abbreviating, truncating and editing the absolute bollocks out of this publication, we even considered trimming the title down. I mean, The Mobar Gazette? That’s 15 whole letters. We thought that TMG would be very now. Letters good, words bad. Unfortunately, our lawyers told us that it was too close to another gossip/news outlet, and the domain name is for an online gambling site. So we shall put up with the long name for the moment, but as soon as the opportunity presents itself, look out for iMobar.

And if anyone was wondering, our trans-hemispherical relocation to Australia went fairly smoothly, although one gets the sneaking suspicion that it has been somewhat misrepresented to us as a lawless tax haven filled with violent, uncouth alcoholics who share a fondness for gambling and casual buggery; the tax rate is considerably higher than Britain. Lamentably, we don’t really have the capital or the patience for another move, so it’s g’day this and strewth that for the moment. On that note, stay tuned for Eoinín’s first experience with the retail industry in Australia, you flamin’ bunch of drongos.