THOUSANDS of Australians are expected to descend on Bali next year to see convicted drug smuggler Schapelle Corby become the nation's first saint. Pope Benedict XVI is due to soon confirm he will canonise the Gold Coast’s favourite daughter in a special service on Kuta Beach. Preparations are already underway after the Pope on the weekend decreed Corby's second miracle.
Corby had earned her stripes to become a saint and all Australians should try to behave more like her, self-confessed party animal and occasional Archbishop of Sydney Cardinal George Pell said today.
Cardinal Pell said Our Schapelle fought many battles with rival drug syndicates when establishing the infamous Sisters of Surfers Paradise, and should probably be seen as a role model for young women.
“At times she was treated badly, and what was remarkable about her was she was still able to remain firmly in control of an extremely profitable exportation syndicate,” Cardinal Pell giggled through a cloud of funny-smelling smoke to a group of reporters this morning.
“Probably the best thing we can do to preserve Schapelle Corby's memory is to try to act like she did.
“Try to disregard the laws of foreign countries where possible, and if the man gets all up in your face and starts hassling you, just say you didn’t do it.”
Cardinal Talksalot went on to say that Schappers had “earned her stripes” and the decree of her second miracle was “a shot in the arm for the Australian people, or at least the bogans amongst youse.”
Jubilant crowds from around the world will be drawn in to see several other misunderstood entrepreneurs be made saints at the same time, including Howard Marks, George Jung and former Colombian political lobbyist Pablo Escobar. Australian pilgrims will all have a special matching item of clothing to show their support for Corby.
Sister Mercedes Corby, who led the canonisation campaign, said canonisation services were “heaps good, ay, they’re grouse!”
“All them other groups have their own symbols,” said Sr Mercedes, who attended a canonisation earlier this year and said it “went off”.
“Some of them wear scarves, some of them wear hats and some have backpacks and shit.
“We're looking at it. It has to be something that can be easily brought here to Indonesia and not attract too much attention from customs.”
Before the Pope emerges for the service, there are readings about the lives of those who are about to be canonised and ceremonial peace pipes lit in their honour.
Sr Mercedes said: “I'll be getting some tickets, so youse can get them off me if you want, but youse can just get them from Ticketek too, ay.
“There’s usually no limits because there’s shitloads of room at Kuta. But get there early so youse get a good seat.”
The second miracle relates to a literary agent having his job saved after more than 100 copies of Corby’s autobiography, I Didn’t Do It, Ay, were sold this year.
“He wants to remain unknown for the moment because he wants the focus to be on Schapelle,” Sr Mercedes said. “And her book.”
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