JOURNALISTS with a fondness for ridiculously sensational articles belong in tabloid rags, but researchers have discovered an eerie spike in broadsheet journalists drawing unreasonably long bows during the Christmas period. Extremely clever experts looked at the cases of 91 scotch-sodden newsmen who turned in articles during December that would normally accompany pictures of stuff that caught on fire, tits, or tits that caught on fire.
Of these 91 who were seen over a 12-month period, they found that 21 (23 per cent) turned in excruciatingly stupid pieces during December - about double the number of cases seen during the rest of the year.
The study's authors, who were probably from a university or something, suggested their findings would most likely be ironically quoted out of context and transformed into the kind of dross that someone nursing a hangover from an office Christmas party would be looking for on a Monday morning.
Professional expert on cleverness Jennifer Dowsing, lead author of the study published today in the Journal of Serious Stuff Australia, said explanations for December Syndrome included the idea that as a typical journalist’s body contained 70 per cent scotch, the increase in workplace drinking during December would render the hacks so drunk that they would be capable only of picking out the most interesting word in a press release and then crafting a catchy headline and quasi-article around said word.
"Some of these journalists, they get steaming drunk because they know nobody is reading the paper, and they’re on holiday soon," she wrote. “P.S. WEREWOLVES LOL WTF!”
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