Commonly Misheard or Misinterpreted Words and Phrases # 2

Written by Peter File

To the untrained eye, the English language may seem harmless enough. Do not be fooled though. It is peppered with thousands upon thousands of ridiculously similar words and phrases, just waiting to misused for the amusement of smug elitist primary school graduates.

Don’t think that just by mastering the your/you’re and their/they’re/there algorithms you’ve got the upper hand when it comes to this mongrel bastard language. New words, and yes, even new spellings of existing words are being added to the English language every day. Just last week, palaeontologists in an important university somewhere unearthed four new ways to spell fondle.

Resist the urge to shun English in favour of a more sensible language like Swahili – all is not lost. There’s still one publication that is dedicated to helping you sort the his from the he’s and the effects from the affects. Prepare to once again be entirely reverse discombobulated, as we mark out the fine line between certain words and phrases with the thickest and brightest highlighters we could find in the stationery aisle…or the stationary aisle…or is it isle…whatever.


Kowtowing

An obsequious act, submitting to something or someone.

"The Australian government often finds itself kowtowing to foreign powers, generally to protect its holy trinity of exports: boxing kangaroos, hats with corks dangling from the brim, and Kylie Minogue."

Cow-towing

An obscure extreme sport played mainly in the southern states of the USA and certain areas in Russia and the Ukraine. Generously proportioned males are tethered to cows and compete to see how far they are able to tow them before they suffer prolapsed discs or are trampled to death by the ungrateful beasts.

Raison d'être

A reason for being, the purpose of an existence.

"Jerome felt that if constructing witty deconstructions of post-modernist feminist poetry was not his raison d'être, then peppering his speech with various affectations and pretentious French phrases was a more than suitable substitute."

Raisin Debt

A non-fiscal liability generally incurred by those with a fondness for raisins but lacking the capital to support their habit.

"Jerome felt he was of a suitable age to consider obtaining a mortgage for a property, but was hampered by his crippling raisin debt."




Cross Promotion

A rather unsophisticated marketing technique, whereby an organisation uses an established product, service or medium to promote a new or unpopular product.

"A concerning report there on the growing humanitarian crisis in the Gaza Strip from our Middle East correspondent Myles Long. Speaking of strips, there’s a crisis of an entirely different nature in this week’s episode of Real Life Strippers, when former Palestinian freedom fighter turned saucy showgirl Irfeeqa misplaces all her sequinned g-strings. Don’t miss it!"

Crass Promotion

A rather unsophisticated marketing technique, whereby an organisation uses an established product, service or medium to promote a new or unpopular product.

"Witnesses reported that the knife-wielding maniac was killed by a hail of police bullets, however not before 18 members of the public were brutally murdered in what was described as a frenzied attack. And if you feel you could sharpen up around the kitchen, then drop into Knives ‘R Us this weekend, where they’ve slashed prices on everything!"

Carpet

A thick fabric used to cover floors, generally made from wool.

"Say, Henry, I just adore the feeling of this shag pile carpet between my toes. Sweet."

Car Pet

A domesticated creature primarily confined to a vehicle of some description.

"Say, Henry, don’t you think it’s a little inhumane to keep a cat in your battery tray? I’m pretty sure they prefer milk to radiator coolant."

Sub-prime Mortgage

A mortgage available to those whose credit files are littered with unsightly financial blemishes and whom would otherwise be unable to obtain credit to purchase a house.

"I thought my blatant disregard for financial responsibilities would mean I’d never own my own home, but my financial advisor says everyone makes mistakes."

Surprise Mortgage

Discovering that a mortgage has been maliciously registered in your name without your knowledge or consent. Usually a result of not shredding documents with your personal information on them. Also a hit television show on the Fox network, hosted by Bill Paxton.

"Dude, did you see Surprise Mortgage last night? Let’s see that sucker pay off a three bedroom bungalow on a McDonald’s wage!"



Hasidic Jew

A member of a sect founded in Poland in the 18th century by Baal Shem-Tov and characterized by its emphasis on mysticism, prayer, ritual strictness, religious zeal, and joy.

Acidic Jew

A member of the highly secretive Religious Justice League. Acidic Jew possesses the power to strike down anti-Semitic villains by shooting acid from his fingertips.

Omnipotent

Possessing vast or unlimited power, Godlike.

"Google flaunted its omnipotence by ensuring that 'Kiwi Sheep Love Jokes' yielded zero results when searched for by internet users in New Zealand."

Omnimpotent

Possessing a vast or unlimited lack of power, specifically in the trouser region.

"In yet another breathtaking display of omnimpotence, the United Nations issued a stern warning to North Korea that any further displays of military aggression would be followed by more stern warnings, and possibly even sterner warnings again."

Vegans: Limp-Wristed Benefit Scroungers or Cunning Corporate Conspiracy?

Written by Logan Bluetooth

I have been on the receiving end of many a mordant barb in my brief time upon this mortal coil. Some have been imaginative (self-important coiffured purveyor of misery), others have been rather coarse (corporate pillow biter), some quick and to the point (wanker), and one I haven’t quite worked out yet - though I will be sure to let you know when I find out precisely what a Cleveland Steamer is.

However, much to the chagrin of my verbal assailants, one develops a rhinoceros-like hide after working as a highly lauded efficiency expert for many years. It’s all water off an obscenely remunerated duck’s back.

That said, I recently found myself ever so slightly affected by a verbal stoush in the last place one expects to become embroiled in a childish argument – an internet discussion forum. More surprising was that it was in response to my complimenting this gentleman on what I perceived as his being an exceptionally adroit satirist.

His rejoinder? Well, I shall save you the horror of quoting verbatim his rather vulgar response, but the key phrase directed at me was “corpse-muncher”. I was not the only unfortunate soul to be labelled as a corpse-muncher. Anyone who dared question this self-proclaimed saviour of the human race also found themselves on the receiving end of his repetitive keyboard bashing.

As the sharper amongst you may have deduced from the title of this article, this chap was a vegan. A prominent one too, though prominence in the world of veganism seems to be about as valuable as being a prominent stamp collector. The point is, I had been attacked, exposed as an evil corpse-munching drain on humanity.

The more I read of his arguments for avoiding the consumption of animal products, the more dubious I became of his motives, and the more convinced I became of my original impression of him as being a grand wizard of satire.

Possibly the most convincing (and presumably with the research to back it up) of his wild claims was his deduction that the consumption of meat and animal products by children caused school shootings. Yes, you read that correctly.

Rather than the usual scapegoats/scapetofu (rap music, heavy metal, video games, the internetz) so favoured by the tabloids, this perceptive fellow had finally identified the root cause of school shootings. That disenfranchised teen stalking the school corridors, clutching a machine gun, emptying clip after clip and lobbing homemade bombs amongst his fellow pupils is driven by nothing other than the thirst for blood garnered from munching on dead animals.

It would be unfair of me to hold this moron up as a typical example of a vegan, just as it would be if I were to base my opinions of Christians, Muslims and Australians on the actions of Timothy McVeigh, Osama Bin Laden and Peter Andre, respectively. Unfortunately for moderate vegans, there were far too many willing participants in this all-in orgy of douchebaggery.

Morally superior ambassadors for the cause took great delight in comparing non-vegans to murderers, rapists, paedophiles, racists, slave-owners, and Nazis. Our protagonist agreed vehemently, claiming that “there is a holocaust going on right under their noses 3 times a day and they can’t even see/smell it”. Inspiring stuff, and Jews the world over would no doubt agree as they renounce their evil meat-eating ways.

His most oft repeated claim was that eating meat “is not a personal choice when you are eating my friends and you are ruining my world. When you made your personal choice did you ask the animal if you could confine, torture, and murder him or her?”

Of course we didn’t, you dolt. Very few animals have the ability to speak, and even fewer the ability to engage in a lucid conversation with a being as intelligent as a human. This superior intellect has placed us at the apex of predators, and thus allows us to do whatever we want, whenever we want – this includes eating animals and arguing on the internet.

Rise above it, Bluetooth, I kept saying to myself. You can get him back later by writing a snappy article for the Gazette that makes fun of his beliefs. It may seem that I have taken the bait and given this cud-chewing internet activist the anonymous recognition he so obviously craves, but you’d be wrong.

Unwilling to accept that somebody really wanted me to choke on a chicken bone and die, I turned off the computer, furnished myself with some deliciously rich foie gras and did what I do best – engaged in a period of deeply intellectual introspection, which led to many important and relevant revelations which I shall now share for the benefit of your personal development.

Perhaps these were simply the actions of a lunatic fringe that caused the rest of the vegan community to cringe in unison. But if the internetz have taught me anything, it is that Occam’s Razor is something emo kids on Myspace use to cut themselves, and that the most likely explanation of any phenomenon is very rarely the correct one.

Who stands to profit from veganism? Considering only directly impacted parties, producers of fruit, vegetables, grains etc would experience a considerable financial windfall, but let’s face it – they aren’t exactly the rampant capitalists that they could be. If they were, it is unlikely that a bunch of pinkos like vegans would be into what they were selling.

Therefore, perhaps a more pertinent question would be – who stands to lose from veganism? The short answer – pretty much anybody apart from vegans. The meat, dairy, restaurant and leather industries would cease to exist. McDonalds would have a hard time selling the McSeaweed burger. Kentucky Fried Tofu doesn’t exactly make the mouth water in the same way that deep fried chicken giblets do.

Widespread veganism would cause absolute and unabated financial ruin to almost every established and developing economy, plunging the globe into such ruin that bankers would suddenly seem like pretty tolerable individuals.

Therefore, I put it to you that there are but a handful of true vegans, and certainly no such thing as an entire community of them. Vegans are undoubtedly a cunning invention of a secret alliance of concerned nations, created to steer potential vegetarians and perhaps even vegetarians themselves back towards the comfort of a medium rare fillet mignon.

Outlandish? Hardly. False flag operations have been executed throughout history by most of the superpowers of the world to shift public opinion and start major wars. Faced with the undeniably catastrophic repercussions that widespread vegetarianism and veganism would cause, these well oiled machines would do everything in their power to prevent such an abhorrent event from occurring.

The seemingly irrational and moronic individuals that successfully goaded me into a verbal tussle did their job, and did it with what can only be described as military precision. Not only did I loudly embrace my omnivoratic ways in a public forum, I then felt it necessary to devote over 1000 words elsewhere to belittling the tenets of veganism. Mission accomplished, it would seem.

But hang on – I have exposed a global conspiracy. Shady government organisations joining forces to defeat a non-existent enemy by spreading anti-vegan propaganda. Surely now it would be hypocritical of me not to renounce my consumption of animal products, start wearing hemp clothing and join the mailing list for various socialist newsletters.

Au contraire, I fully support this conspiracy. I adore capitalism, and have come to accept that even though every vein of government is poisoned by corruption, they generally have our best interests at heart. Sure, a few people might get persecuted or killed along the way, but the ends always tends to justify the means. Politicians and secret service agents posing as militant vegans have to live here too, which proves that having a vested interest isn’t always a bad thing.

To sum up, you should by all means continue to treat vegans with the same level of apprehensiveness and disdain as you currently do. But after you’ve flung a pork chop at their head and told them to get a job, the respectful thing to do would be to give a furtive wink and thank them for protecting the interests of the nation.

World's Deadliest: The Russell Crow

Written by Peter File

Of all the dangerous creatures that exist on this lethal planet, few people would mention birds in the same breath as snakes, sharks or the big cats of Africa. Birds are generally thought of as harmless, carefree little things, happily flying around and whistling cheerful tunes. Sparrows, parrots, wrens, budgerigars – hardly the stuff of nightmares, are they?

However, while they may not be well known, there are many birds that pose a serious threat to humans. The Transylvanian stealth pterodactyl, carnivorous sabre-toothed mallard (native to Greenland), and the giant English tit have all chalked up multiple fatalities. It is worth noting that the giant English tit is generally only found in parliament and local authority buildings.

The danger posed by these winged terrors, however, pales into insignificance when compared with the most dangerous of all birds – the Russell crow.

The Russell crow is truly unique in that only one has ever existed. It has been hypothesised that it is genetically impossible for more than one to exist, a theory which the Russell crow has often confirmed to anyone who will listen.

The origin of this species has been widely debated and disputed. Australia, a small prison colony in the southern hemisphere, and their close neighbours New Zealand both deny responsibility. The generally accepted view is that while the Russell crow is undoubtedly of New Zealand origin, it migrated to Australia in search of publicity, one of its main sources of sustenance.

The Russell crow is a crow by name only, sharing few likenesses with the other members of the species. One notable similarity is that like other crows, it is considered to be a pest in most countries. Any efforts to eradicate the Russell crow have been unsuccessful, as it is such a hostile creature, willing to violently defend itself if threatened in any way.

The violence of the Russell crow is legendary, and often unprovoked. In addition to attacking prey with its large beak and razor sharp claws, it has also been known to improvise and use seemingly innocuous items to assault foes – telephones, for example.

The frequently aggressive behaviour displayed is due in part to the Russell crow’s peculiar diet. While this is by no means an exhaustive list, it has been observed feeding upon hard liquor, cigarettes, nightclub bouncers, press photographers, and fair haired actresses.

Its main sources of food, however, are recognition and fame. These are derived from many places. It is a highly adaptable creature, having appeared as a variety of characters in numerous films that have grossed highly at the box office. Whilst it is generally regarded as a poor actor by human standards, most ornithologists agree that it is the finest avian actor ever to have appeared on the big screen.

In addition to films, it also produces poetry of a standard roughly equal to that of a tea towel. Seemingly unsatisfied with its acting and poetry commitments, the Russell crow is also the lead singer for a band considered by most people with the ability to hear to be an insult to music. It is worth noting that the Russell crow is of no relation to another well known songbird, the Sheryl crow.

This insatiable appetite for fame is but one of many differences between the Russell crow and the common crow. The most striking dissimilarity between the two is that the Russell crow is predominantly flightless. Although New Zealand is also home to another flightless bird, the kiwi, it does not appear to be a genetic trait. Rather, it is due to the wings of the Russell crow lacking the strength to support the weight of its own ego. Jumbo jets are the only aircraft large and powerful enough to transport such a mammoth cargo.

The call of the Russell crow also differs greatly to that of its corvid relations. Rather than the typical “caw” emitted by most crows, the Russell crow’s call gears more towards shameless self-promotion, such as “G’day, I’ve written a bloody poem, do you wanna hear it?” An example of one of its more aggressive calls is “Whaddya lookin’ at? D’ya wanna bloody punch in the nose, ya bloody drongo?”

Its nesting habits are also atypical when compared to common crows. Rather than inhabiting a specific geographical location and building a modest abode from twigs, the Russell crow prefers to nest in palatial mansions in varied locations across the globe.

Not only is it potentially lethal if it perceives an observer to be a threat, it is becoming quite evident that it has developed the ability to woo human females. While not confirmed, reports also suggest that it has spawned at least two offspring. It has not yet been determined whether this cross-breeding will strengthen or weaken the dominant characteristics inherent in the Russell crow.

The Russell crow is a tempting subject for any budding ornithologist. Lacking the introversion possessed by most other species of bird, its frequently explosive appearances in public make for fascinating observation. Unfortunately, it should be avoided at all costs.

Hot Hits with Hans

Written by Hans Öffmeinbürger with foreword by Logan Bluetooth

You can’t judge a book by its cover. While I couldn’t disagree more with this saying (just look at the dictionary), it thankfully doesn’t apply to music. An album can be judged accurately just by studying its cover. If you really want to go into detail, by all means have a look at the track listing. Listening to it should be a last resort. Efficiency and music go hand in hand.

And if there’s one man who understands both efficiency and music, it is the Mobar Gazette’s new music editor, Hans Öffmeinbürger. Hans combines his natural German efficiency with his encyclopedic knowledge of music to ensure that our discerning readers choose only the hottest new recordings.

His revolutionary approach to reviewing music is brilliant in its simplicity: study the album cover and the song titles, then provide the reader with a brisk review and score out of ten. Enjoy.



Gutentag, mein reizvolle leute! Don’t worry, you will get very little German from me. I am almost as excellent at English as I am at being a superstar international house DJ and music producer. I am here to give you helpful reviews of the latest releases so that you can hear only the most amazing sounds and crazy recordings. Let us begin!




The Killers – Day & Age

Ah, The Killers. I think we all know this band. They have had many big hits on the radio, like that one about having a boyfriend that looked like a girlfriend. I once had a boyfriend that looked like a girlfriend that I once had, it was very confusing. I would introduce him to people as Klaudette, but his name was Klaus!

Anyway, The Killers. They are not very good. The singer sounds like he has been beaten with a piece of limp celery. A piece of limp celery would probably be a better singer than him.

The cover of this record is very boring. The moon, or maybe the sun and some trees. What is that saying? Hello, we are The Killers, we are as interesting as some trees and the moon or maybe the sun. We couldn’t think of a good title so we chose Day & Age. We like limp celery.

The song titles aren’t much better. This Is Your Life. I Can’t Stay. The World We Live In. Oh my GOD. I did however like Neon Tiger, because it makes me think of a tiger that maybe likes to party a lot.

I actually heard one of the songs from this record, Human. It is a terrible song. He just keeps asking “are we human, or are we dancer?” Perhaps this is a rhetorical question, but I will answer him – you are neither. You are a talentless piece of limp celery. I give this album 0/10.


Metro Station – Metro Station


Normally I would be very suspicious of a self-titled album. Very unimaginative. But this cover has many bright colours, and some squiggly lines shooting through space which I think is very cool. Also, the name Metro Station sounds like a train station that I would like to go to.

The song titles unfortunately do not live up to the excitement promised by the cover. One is called Seventeen Forever. There is another called Wish We Were Older. Clearly this is just a bunch of pathetic children who are crying about not being able to buy alcohol and go clubbing, and are such losers that they haven’t even considered getting a fake ID.

I saw one of these songs on the television the other day. Shake It. They are terrible, maybe even worse than The Killers. I was right. They are just children, painful silly children with the stupid haircuts and the terrible music.

There is another song on this record called Tell Me What To Do. With pleasure – go back to school, stop crying, and never ever make music again, you annoying little brats. I give this album 1/10 because the cover was okay.


Ronan Keating – Songs for my Mother

I did not want to review this record at first, because I thought Ronan Keating does not like to party. Everybody knows that all Irish people are alcoholics. Not Ronan. I met him once and asked him if he would like to come and party, and he said he couldn’t because he had a hair appointment. I do not think he is really Irish.

I saw the title, Songs for my Mother, and I thought oh nein, 45 minutes of him singing about how much he loves his mummy doing his hair, this will be a short review. 0/10 – LOSER. Also, the cover…what do I say? He almost blends into the beige background.

But then I looked at the track titles. Make You Feel My Love. Both Sides Now. I thought, these are songs for his mother? Ja ja, now we are getting kinky! Vincent. Who is Vincent? I don’t care, I like where this is going.

I Believe I Can Fly. I will tell you something. I don’t know what the square root of 823169 is, but I do know that when someone tells you they believe they can fly, it is almost always because they have been taking lots and lots of mescaline. I can also tell you that they definitely cannot fly, unless it is in a helicopter to the emergency ward.

I judged Ronan Keating too quickly. He might have told me that he had a hair appointment, but what he probably meant to say was “I’m very sorry Hans, but I am too busy partying and having fun times with my mother!” I give this record 9/10.