Police to have power to get their nude on

Written by Frank Serpico

POLICE will soon have sexy new powers to strip for people at random, even if there is no reasonable suspicion those targeted are into that sort of thing.

The ''stop and strip'' tactic is part of a steamy new law and order crackdown set to be passed by those dirty old perverts in State Parliament, despite the Government conceding that the legislation breaches the Human Rights Charter, albeit in a sexy way.

Legal experts have labelled the proposed laws, which will enable officers to strip for children and the disabled, as an unorthodox and surprisingly kinky reaction to the problem of drunken violence.

Under the legislation, police will also be given the right to use whipped cream, nipple tassels and other stripper props if they believe that wielding their batons in a suggestive manner won’t cut the mustard with their captive audience.

Police Minister and fishnet stocking enthusiast Archibald Roberts says the wide-ranging legislation was necessary to further degrade social standards, and the stripping powers were aimed at preventing an explosion in knife-related violence.

''Police are detecting more young people with knives and when you look at the research, there’s only one thing that the deranged young folk of today find more arousing than knife fights and Twitter, and that’s hardcore nudity,'' Mr Roberts said.

''We've seen that happen in some cities in the United States and especially in London. In London, instead of sticking blades in people, kids are sticking £5 notes in police crevices.

''It’s not just an effective tactic against knife attacks; it’s also a great way for police officers to collect bribes.''

But Mr Roberts' lurid fantasies have been rejected by straight-laced senior lawyers who believe the ''stop and strip'' powers will be misused and are likely to target randy minorities such as delivery drivers, plumbers, Trekkies, and milkmen.

Prudish barrister Paul Frame, president of professional buzz killers Liberty Victoria, said the bill was undemocratic. ''It will clearly involve significant intrusions on ordinary civil liberties and human rights, such as the right to walk the streets and not have a police officer force you to watch them get their kit off to You Sexy Thing,'' he said.

Mr Roberts, who acknowledges areas of his legislation fall outside the Charter of Human Rights, said: ''I acknowledge areas of my legislation fall outside the Charter of Human Rights. And?''

Fred Shellman, chief cold spoon dispenser at the Sex Addiction Legal Clinic, said Mr Roberts' reasoning was spurious. ''Talking about naughty cops in London and America is just vague political posturing that leads to people feeling horny, when statistics show there's no reason they should. It makes my job harder, quite literally in fact.''

The raunchy police powers are being introduced under the Summary Offences and Control of Almost Everything Acts Amendment Bill, which has the firm and passionate support of all the major political parties.

Under the bill, anyone can be subjected to an impromptu police strip show if they are in a designated area. Any area can be designated if it contains land on which a crime could potentially be committed. Big events such as the weekend or days occurring between Monday and Friday can also be targeted.

TMG believes perpetually grumpy police Chief Commissioner Herbert Britches pushed for the new powers after becoming frustrated with the lack of police nudity on his watch. Mr Britches refused to be interviewed about the legislation, sparing us the arduous task of remaining awake and taking notes whilst listening to his monotonous cop voice.

Jude Law tries to drown dog, attacks owner

Written by Peter File

A FARMER was almost drowned by serial pants man Jude Law after he dived into his dam to save his pet dog.

Bruce McDougall, 49, of Arthur's Creek, is being assessed by Austin Hospital surgeons after being mauled by the diminutive lothario this morning. He only managed to end the attack when he elbowed Law in the throat as he tried to hold him under water.

By then he had already suffered a deep gash across his abdomen as Law tried to disembowel him with his carefully manicured fingernails, as well as a deep gash across his forehead and further deep cuts and scratches across his chest.

Speaking from the hospital's emergency department, Mr McDougall exclusively told TMG he was walking his dog Ralph at the back of his property when they awoke Law, who had been sleeping hidden in long grass near the dam.

When the startled actor ran into the dam, Ralph followed, barking before Law grabbed the dog with his delicately moisturised hands and held him under the water for about 20 seconds, until Mr McDougall arrived to save his dog.

"I thought I might take a hit or two dragging the dog out from under his grip, but I didn't expect him to actually attack me,'' Mr McDougall said.

"I was stuck having to hold onto the dog with both hands because it was half drowned and I couldn't really see anything because Jude Law was scratching at my face with his fingernails.

"It was a shock at the start because it was Jude Law. I mean, The Talented Mr Ripley? You wouldn’t expect him to attack a salad, let alone an actual person.

"Then all of a sudden I realised he’d opened up a wide gash above my eye and blinded me.

"I was flailing away underwater carrying a dog with Jude Law ripping into me.

"All I could do was just keep pushing for the bank while he was trying to tie his neckerchief around my throat at a jaunty angle, so at that point I elbowed him in the throat and that made him back off a little bit.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to watch Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow quite the same as I used to - it might bring back a couple of bad memories."

Wildlife authorities took the opportunity to remind the public that due to changing temperatures, Jude Law season now occurs between November and February and that sensible shoes and thick socks should be worn when walking in long grass.

Insurance company finds cure for depression: sun, sand and strippers

Written by Annette Curtain

FACEBOOK has helped a Canadian insurance company discover a cure for depression, paving the way for the social networking behemoth and other civic-minded corporations to solve the ills of the world.

Nathalie Blanchard, 29, took long-term sick leave from her job at IBM more than a year ago for severe depression.

After noticing that her monthly benefits had ceased to be paid, Ms Blanchard called her insurance company, Manulife. She was both shocked and delighted to learn that she had helped Manulife find a cure for depression.

Manulife had been on Facebook with the intention of giving Ms Blanchard a virtual poke and buying some sheep for her virtual farm, but figured it may as well check out her photos too. As it trawled through her albums, Manulife found images of Ms Blanchard stuffing money in the sequined g-string of a Chippendale, celebrating her birthday and bathing in the sun in little more than a bikini.

Shockingly, Ms Blanchard was observed to be smiling in all of the photos.

It was previously thought that those suffering from clinical depression refused to observe birthdays and would avoid sunlight at all costs, not unlike vampires. The illness was also understood to cause previously healthy people to lose all interest in sequined g-strings.

However in light of these observations and in an embarrassing blow to those with actual medical qualifications, Manulife is confident that it has cured the disease once and for all.

Psychiatric patients across the country are now being clad in skimpy swimsuits and sent outside, where they are given wads of cash to stuff down the sequined unmentionables of gyrating strippers.

Dinosaur to taxi chief: RAWWWRRR!

Written by Myles Long

PEOPLE are entitled to be concerned for their safety if a carnivorous dinosaur is allowed to drive a taxi, a court has heard.

Annabelle Crowe, who has a law degree, said safety and good personal hygiene were reasonable public expectations, and people who travelled in taxis with a dinosaur were vulnerable.

"What is the public at large likely to think about the accreditation of a prehistoric beast with a penchant for meat?" Ms Crowe said in the Supreme Court.

"Will they feel safe? Will the dinosaur use deodorant, or play ethnic music loudly?"

She argued the Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal had made legal errors in overturning the Director of Public Transport's refusal of a taxi accreditation to a feathered Velociraptor, who can be identified only as Mr Biteypants. The director is appealing against the VCAT ruling allowing the previously extinct creature to drive taxis.

Mr Biteypants, who ate a postman in 1990 but was acquitted of murder after successfully using the “But I’m a dinosaur!” defence, spent years in a theme park designed by Steven Spielberg.

Any person who eats a public servant is automatically refused taxi accreditation.

Ms Crowe said Mr Biteypants had eaten a public servant, and therefore should have to wear a muzzle and eat his meals through a straw from now on.

She said labelling dinosaurs on the basis of what they had done might be unfair to them, but that’s just how we roll down at Parliament.

Mr Biteypants’ barrister Peter Bellendé said eating postmen should not automatically disqualify a taxi driver.

"It’s discriminatory to carnivores," Mr Bellendé said. “Mr Biteypants can’t help who he is. Why should a Diplodocus get to drive a taxi just because they’re some gay vegan dinosaur?”

The hearing is expected to continue next week, assuming the defendant doesn’t eat the judge.

Freddo Frog charged with receiving stolen boy

Written by Eoinín McAlpine

A GIANT chocolate frog has been charged with receiving an Aboriginal boy allegedly stolen from a supermarket in regional Western Australia.

Wildlife experts say the delicious frog has no prior convictions.

Freddo been charged with receiving the boy, allegedly stolen by his friend, Perth racing identity Kevin ‘Caramello’ Koala, and faces a second charge involving the receipt of a 1kg bag of insects stolen from a fishing supplies store.

The frog will face Northam Amphibian Court, about 100km from Perth, on Monday.

His lawyer, Amphibian Legal Service chief Jeremy Fisher, has asked police to withdraw the charges but has not received a response.

"It's scandalous that a frog should be subject to prosecution for a case of this type," he croaked.

Mr Fisher said Freddo had missed an earlier court date because of a family misunderstanding and was apprehended and locked in a cell devoid of both water and lily pads for several hours.

A WA police spokesman said it's appropriate to have the court deal with the frog, because police have been forced to speak to him about other matters previously.

Fox News discovers 'significant amount' of conservative commentators on the Moon

Written by Logan Bluetooth

FOX NEWS has found 'a significant amount' of conservative commentators skulking about inside a crater on the Moon in a discovery that could pave the way for fair and balanced lunar reporting.

The network announced that last month's audacious attempt to smash two spacecraft into the Moon's rocky surface to find opinions that aren’t gay was a major success.

The $59million bombing raid threw up a mile-high plume of quasi-journalists with refreshingly sensible views, including a large cluster of anti-immigration supporters who had been locked away in a deep crater at the lunar south pole. The bottom of the crater had not seen light for billions of years, which served only to exacerbate their prejudice against dark matter.

The revelation may bring closer the day when Fox News creates a permanent lunar base, using the conservative commentators buried in the rocks to enlighten nearby liberal planets such as Jupiter, whose surface is currently obscured by violent storms of cafe lattes, Noam Chomsky essays and sun-dried tomatoes.

A spokesman for Fox News said last night: 'The discovery opens a new chapter in our understanding of the Moon, which was previously thought to be nothing but delicious cheese.'

There were fears that last month's experiment had failed when the collision of the two spacecraft failed to produce the expected six-mile-high cloud of awesomeness. Live pictures relayed from the Moon showed no sign of an impact, even though the crafts crashed as planned.

But yesterday, Fox News experts who studied the data said instruments trained on the impact saw a significant amount of conservative commentary rising from the surface, including easily identifiable phrases such as ‘it’s political correctness gone mad!’ and ‘I’m not a racist, but Martians should go back to Mars’.

Dr Tony Calabrese, from the Fox News Truth Detection Centre, said: 'Indeed, yes, we found conservative commentators. And we didn't find just one or two, we found a significant amount, enough to man a whole new intergalactic network. We are ecstatic.'

Warner Gluten, chief lunar scientist at Fox News headquarters in Washington, added: 'We're unlocking the mysteries of our nearest neighbour and by extension the solar system.

'It turns out the moon harbours many intelligent beings with their finger on the pulse, which just goes to show that the liberal media should shut up. Period.'

Operation: Enduring Righteousness, which took place on October 9, was watched by millions across the globe live on the internet.

One rocket slammed into the newly named O’Reilly crater, near the moon's southern pole, at around 5,600mph, and was followed four minutes later by a spacecraft equipped with cameras to record the columns of razor sharp conservative commentary billowing from the impact zone.

Over the last decade, market analysts have found some hints of right-wing thought on the moon's poles, but this is the best evidence yet.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, who in 1969 made his historic Apollo 11 moonwalk with Neil Armstrong, was pleased to hear the latest discovery, but still believes the U.S. should focus on colonizing Mars. Aldrin is concerned that Martians could become radically Islamified or allow gay marriage if conservative commentators aren’t broadcast to the red planet in the next decade.

'People will overreact to this news and say, “Let's have a Fox News channel broadcasting on the moon,"' Aldrin said. 'It doesn't justify that. There are Martians being taught to grow beards and attack Earth, doesn’t that matter to anyone?'

Fox News scientists said it would take more time to analyse what else was kicked up in the conservative dust.

Vatican: alienz can haz catholicism too plz?

Written by Peter File

400 YEARS after tossing Galileo in a prison cell in the hope that he would sober up and stop dribbling rubbish about planets and stuff, the Catholic church has changed its tune on aliens.

Padre Jose Funes, who owns a telescope and also has those glow in the dark stars stuck to his bedroom roof, reckons that Jesus' old man might not have called it quits after creating Earth and its inhabitants.

The Vatican has said that there is no clash between believing Catholic doctrine and believing in the possibility of alien life, presumably because neither has ever been proven to exist but still makes for a pretty good story.

An actual astronomer responded by telling the Vatican to "keep your wandering hands off science, perverts."

Sleazy boss hired a cyborg to kill me

Written by Jérôme Carrière

A FEMALE woman suing her scheming boss thought he had programmed a homicidal cybernetic organism to assassinate her and maybe steal her coffee mug, a tribunal heard today.

Tracy McGee, 29, told an unqualified supermarket assistant that a killbot looking like her former boss Garth Griffin, 59, threw a pineapple impregnated with a grenade at her in the street in May this year.

She is suing her former employer for his collection of executive desk toys, after quitting her £500,000-a-year job at Killbots ‘R’ Us as one of the gals in the typing pool in February because someone kept using her coffee mug.

Struggling to read his own barely legible notes to Central London Employment Tribunal, Paul Mifsud, mild-mannered supermarket assistant by day, chutzpah-rich barrister by night, said: "She does not feel very safe. She believes that they will send someone out to throw more death pineapples at her.

"She called police in May 2009. There was a man, probably a cyborg, outside waiting for her to come out. He looked exactly like her boss, who is a convicted narcissist, and she figured he had made the new killbot prototypes in his own image then sent one to finish her off.

"He drove his car up and down the road six times, throwing various explosive pieces of fruit at her. She went into a restaurant and asked them to call 999, and also mentioned that there was free fruit going outside.”

Tobias Poshington-Waffleby, counsel for Mr Griffin asked: "Is it your belief that Mr Griffin was trying to program a cyborg to kill you so that your coffee mug would finally be his?"

Miss McGee replied: "Yes."

The callous but dashingly handsome Mr Poshington-Waffleby questioned whether her belief was a product of "an over active imagination".

She replied: "No. If you knew how nice this coffee mug was you would probably understand a bit more."

The hearing continues.

Policeman suspended after refusing bribes

Written by Frank Serpico

AN HONEST policeman was axed from his elite unit last night after laying himself open to ridicule by posting evidence of his disgusting honesty on the internet.

PC Terry Whistler, possibly whilst drunk, provided documents and photographic evidence of his lack of criminal activity. Under the name of "sincerebobby", he detailed his sick habits to a woman he met on an adult dating site.

The 40-year-old member of the Bribe & Brutality Squad sent PDF files of his bank statements that showed nothing but wage deposits from the Met. He also sent a picture of himself holding a police-issue baton and a 9mm semi-automatic pistol, boasting that he had never used, nor intended to use either implement.

Last night a senior Met source said: "Bribe and Brutality officers must behave abhorrently in their professional and personal life. They cannot lay themselves open to commendations for doing the right thing, or disclose information that could put them or their colleagues at risk of having to rely solely upon their base wage.

"BBS officers keep protesters, minorities, and protesting minorities in line. They also solicit cash payments where inappropriate. Openness, accountability and honesty have no place in this department."

In his profile, PC Whistler calls himself "fervently truthful" and "passionate about serving the community, not my hip pocket". During one chat with a woman called Nikki, he admitted giving 10p back to a stunned shopkeeper after being given too much change.

And using his personal email address he boasted about being fascinated by the diverse opinions held by unemployed and presumably unbathed university students, who taught him about anarchy, post-modern feminist literature and the benefits of socialism.

An angry police source said: "It is utterly outrageous that a police officer should act in such a compassionate and tolerant manner. We are here to crack skulls and feather our own nest, not act like a bloody blouse."

Understandably single PC Whistler was removed from the crack unit over "serious concerns" about his judgement. The Met's Directorate of Unprofessional Standards has launched an investigation.

The 1 in 40 chance that the dog in your back yard is a fake

Written by Nataliya Dmitrieva

ONE in 40 dogs in circulation are fake – making it the most counterfeited animal in the world.

The alarming figure, revealed by the RSPCA, represents 37 million dogs – 0.52% of the total 1.4 billion hounds worldwide – and is part of an ‘upward trend’ in canine forgery.

Yesterday, pet shops and breeders warned that unless urgent action was taken, the problem may undermine confidence in the canine industry.

Figures showed that the number of counterfeit dogs destroyed by authorities in the past two years has risen by more than 800%. Some say such a figure is a mathematical impossibility, proving without a doubt that it is indeed an awful lot of fake dogs.

Experts say criminals are making most of the fake hounds in makeshift workshops, sometimes in their own homes. A popular way is to weld two cats together, and then iron on a high quality image of a dog’s face. Using this method, a fake dog can cost less than 10 cents to make.

Stavros Almadrates, of the Federation of Dog Enthusiasts, said the issue was ‘worrying’ for honest dog breeders and pet stores. ‘It has to be stopped immediately. It’s all very well to have a pet that looks like a dog, but what happens when these fakes are asked to fetch a ball or pull someone from a house fire? You’re going to have two bloody cats looking out for themselves and no one else, besmirching the good name of dogs. It’s outrageous, it devalues the dog brand.’

Others believe the number of fake hounds is higher. Canine-testing company Hoek & Son sprayed a suburban tree with a variety of dog urine samples in a recent experiment. Alarmingly, over five per cent of ‘dogs’ trotted past the irresistibly pungent tree, with little more than a cursory glance given.

The budgerigar is the second-most forged pet. Last year, 675,000 budgies were found to actually just be a lot of wasps glued together.

Pensioners battle cops...because bingo was full

Written by Logan Bluetooth

A GANG of old age pensioners battled with cops when they were told not to enter a packed bingo hall. Riot police were called as the OAPs fought officers in front of horrified shoppers.

The 40-strong mob became enraged when a community support officer told them to find their legs eleven, Burlington Berties and two fat ladies elsewhere. Taking umbrage at the bloody cheek of the young whippersnapper and the gross misuse of bingo lingo, the septuagenarians began throwing walking frames and hefty annual bus passes at the doors of the hall, forcing police to close the street for an hour as they confronted the wrinkled thugs on Tuesday evening.

Three officers’ feelings were hurt - including the 25-year-old PCSO, who needed several cups of coffee and a reassuring pat on the back, and a policewoman who was told that in the pensioners’ day, women knew their place and didn’t wear police uniforms.

Jane Kippers, 41, who was waiting at the bus stop in Orpington, South East London, said: "I couldn't believe how slowly it escalated, they just went nuts. I was mildly concerned - one minute I was standing waiting for a bus and then an hour later I was dodging hard-boiled sweets and Glenn Miller records."

Four women and three men aged 76 to 79 were arrested on suspicion of offences including aggravated fist-shaking and being quite mean to police officers.

All were residents of Orpington Pines Retirement Community. Locals yesterday labelled the institution "a scum magnet" - and said illegal Viagra dealing regularly took place outside the college. One local wrote on a website: "It's an utter disgrace to the community."

Orpington Pines management said resident behaviour had "significantly improved" over the past year, although acknowledged that it would be conducting a review of medication levels.

Pope to shepherd: you're stealin' my bit!

Written by Nataliya Dmitrieva

CRIPPLED by the global financial crisis, a lowly Chinese shepherd has used ingenuity and presumably a colour printer to wrest control of his flock of sheep. Rather than a border collie, the canny peasant now terrifies his woolly stock with a glossy wolf poster.

However, the news is not all good for Farmer Quaint. Upon hearing that someone was striking unjustified fear into a flock of sheep by way of dishonest, empty threats, lawyers representing the Catholic church have commenced legal proceedings, citing massive copyright infringement.

Gutter-cleaning asylum seeker cheats death, maybe taxes too

Written by Annette Curtain

A CUNNING Sri Lankan asylum seeker has been involved in a serious accident after falling from the roof of hardline Australian President Kevin Rudd's heavily fortified Brisbane compound.

It is understood that the illegal queue jumper, posing as a fair dinkum tradesman, was cleaning the gutters at Chateau Rudd when he suddenly threw himself from the roof, demanding Australian jobs, women, unemployment benefits, and probably a plasma screen television too as he hurtled towards the ground.

The asylum-seeking tradesman is receiving get well soon cards and ice cream at a Brisbane hospital. Queensland police were informed about the incident but were unable to take time out of their busy bribe-taking schedule.

A spokesperson for El Presidente said the Rudd family are "concerned, but make no apologies for their extremely hard lawn.”

The Art of Letter Writing # 1788: Van Drongo's Land

Written whilst wearing denim by Eoinín McAlpine

Dear Whoever Wears The Pants At Just Jeans,

I wish to bring to your attention a particularly severe problem which is almost certainly impacting upon your gross profit. Not unlike a loose thread in a cheap pair of slacks, it may not seem that big an issue at the moment. Left unchecked, however, one could easily find a rather embarrassing buttock-shaped hole at a crucially public juncture, or in your case, a gaping chasm of profit loss at the AGM that your shareholders may not find as amusing as an unwittingly exposed arse-cheek.

In short, there is a used car salesman masquerading as an employee in the men’s section at your Bourke street store.

I first became aware of this approximately a week ago whilst shopping for jeans. Having been unsuccessful a few days earlier at a different Just Jeans outlet, I figured the Melbourne store might have a few more cuts that might please my eye. So in I strode, ready to part with a fistful of cash for my annual jeans purchase. There was one other customer in the store, and the poor sod was undergoing what can only be described as verbal molestation by the used car salesman. For the sake of brevity, the used car salesman shall hereafter be referred to as Gordon, as in Gordon Farkas from The Big Steal (top movie by the way, rent it out).

Anyway, Gordon was slobbering his silvery tongue all over this hapless bloke. The analogies were coming thick and fast (emphasis on the thick), and with a curiously automotive flavour. Without exaggeration, an example of one of his lines was “see, these jeans are like, yeah, I suppose I’m happy with my Holden Commodore. Now, these jeans, these would be like, yeah, a Porsche 911!” He then may or may not have thrust his pelvis and said “VROOM VROOM!” Unsurprisingly, the bloke left the shop shortly thereafter, looking completely bewildered and as though he’d lost just a tiny bit of his innocence.

This, of course, meant it was really just Gordon and myself left in the store. My girlfriend was also there, but having just heard his vehicular-based sales pitch, she was now giving him an extremely wide berth. I was looking at a pair of Calvin Klein jeans and panicking somewhat, because I don’t really see myself as the CK jeans-wearing kind of guy (you know, rat’s tail, white Everlast runners, frequenting clubs in the casino, punching people), but they were actually quite nice and I hadn’t seen any others I was really taken by, and besides, who was I to make generalisations about those who wear CK jeans? Marky Mark was a CK man!

So over came Gordon, playing it cool at first. He asked me what size I was after. 34” waist, 32” leg, said I. Fairly common size, right? To a jeans salesperson perhaps. To a used car salesman, I may as well have been making fart noises with my armpit. But, also betraying his true occupation, Gordon launched into a spiel both bizarre and bereft of truth. It was capped off with a plug for an extra in-store service (at a cost, of course) that may as well have been the old “oh yeah, mate, you want to get the tyre protector before you take her out on the road, you don’t want the rubber disintegrating on ya.”

Again, this is no exaggeration. “See, the thing about jeans these days is they’re all produced overseas to reduce cost. So they don’t make sizes like that anymore, they don’t have the resources. But we can just alter them for you here, we’ve been doing it for years. You live in Melbourne? ‘Course you do. So yeah, just try this pair on, if they’re too long, no worries. We just alter them for you, cost you about $5.”

I wasn’t really keen to get into an argument about precisely what resources were lacking in the country producing the jeans that prevented them from churning out such abnormal sizes as 34/32, although one would imagine that if the third-world pre-teen making the jeans has access to a sewing machine and denim, he or she could probably knock out a few pairs fitting my dimensions. They’re not getting paid 10 cents a week to slack off, right? I digress. I went and tried the jeans on to shut this guy up. Two different sizes. Neither fitted. I brought them back out and told him so.

“What do you mean, they didn’t fit?”

Again, a peculiar question for a jeans salesman. Not so much for a used car salesman, because if a car doesn’t fit, you just slide the seat backwards or forwards until it does. So, I explained to Gordon that while the waist was fine, the jeans were a little snug on my Herculean thighs.

“That’s how the kids are wearing them these days, that’s the fashion.”

It would have been funny enough if one of the kids were telling me this. The sad fact was that it was coming from a man who was long ago engulfed by male pattern baldness and is quite obviously crotch-deep into his fifth decade of existence. As I stifled a giggle, Gordon called over my girlfriend. Incredulous at my apparent lack of fashion knowledge, he asked her to explain to me about, you know, how the kids are wearing their threads, man. She failed to oblige, instead offering something to the effect of knowing the way I wear my jeans, that way being not resembling leggings. In fairness to Gordon, some of the kids are indeed wearing them that tight. It’s just that most of them are pre-pubescent waifs, who also favour wearing scarves with t-shirts and Venetian sunglasses.

Willing to put aside our serial lack of cool, and perhaps feeling the sale slipping through his slimy fingers, the G-man started pointing at any jeans within reach. Trying to let him down easily, I said that I just wasn’t really into the colour of any of the other jeans. I could have told him that I thought they would have looked more at home in the Dad section at K-Mart (no offence to K-Mart either, it has its place and it occupies it well), but I just said I might have a look elsewhere. I mentioned (and immediately regretted doing so) that I’d just returned from living overseas and was used to a little more choice, hence why I wanted to have a look around town.

“Well, look mate. You’ve just gotta accept that you’re now floating on an island in the arse-end of nowhere, and this is it. This is all you’ve got to choose from.”

I’m hardly a walking advertisement for patriotism, but this did strike me as an odd comment from someone representing an Australian-owned clothing chain. Still, I nodded politely, maintained eye contact and continued backing slowly towards the exit. Gordon was still carrying on like a pork chop, and showed no signs of stopping.

“Well go on then. Go and have your look. Go and look in Westco, or Jeans West, or wherever, go and have you look. But I guarantee by the end of the day you’ll be saying, you know what? That funny little bald guy with the glasses in Just Jeans, he actually knew what he was on about. And you’ll come back here, you’ll be back...”

Even after we’d turned our backs on him and were walking up the stairs, he was still quite audibly spewing out a fairly constant stream of rubbish. Perhaps something about back in his day, you could sell an LH Torana to a bloke without getting sassed by him and his smart-mouth missus, thank you very much.

This isn’t a complaint. I don’t want anything. I already found a really nice pair of Lee jeans at another retailer, in a 34/32 (it’s amazing what those sweat shop kids can do!). I just thought it was worth mentioning. There could be a disgruntled HR employee hiring used car salesman in a fiendish plot to bring the company down from the inside. Unlikely, but it might be worth looking into before Gordon Farkas strikes again.

Yours in bemused concern,

Eoinín

We're Back Like A Chiropractor

Written by Logan Bluetooth

Much like a persistent sexually transmitted illness, The Mobar Gazette has returned yet again, irritating various bodily regions with an all too familiar burning sensation. Not too familiar, however, as I’m sure those of you without visual impairments have noticed. Gone is the black background that served us well for so long, even if it did attract more goths and emos than we would have liked. In its place is a far more racially inclusive colour scheme, designed to reflect the skin tones of modern society – black, dark blue, and some sort of weak pastel. The web designers were a touch evasive when we asked precisely which races these colours represent, but I’m sure it was $20,000 well spent.

Note also our brand new slogan, and our painfully trendy background image of a typewriter in disrepair. I’m told this also represents something, or is a reflection of something to do with society, or something else entirely. Current literacy levels in the office, perhaps. It’s deliberately vague, but edgy, like Scarlett Johansson.

Aesthetic modifications containing subtle social commentary are but the least of the changes that have taken place at Mobar HQ. A group decision was reached (I suggested it, nobody had the cojones to disagree) that we are to return to the hard-hitting news and current affairs reporting that earned us fame and libel suits in the first place. Today’s wireless world has neither the time nor the attention span to be bothered with more than a couple of hundred words. After this one, we’ll be relegating all articles containing more than 300 words to Sundays, where they can be free to be irrelevant along with hangovers, church sermons and NCIS.

Such is our dedication to abbreviating, truncating and editing the absolute bollocks out of this publication, we even considered trimming the title down. I mean, The Mobar Gazette? That’s 15 whole letters. We thought that TMG would be very now. Letters good, words bad. Unfortunately, our lawyers told us that it was too close to another gossip/news outlet, and the domain name is for an online gambling site. So we shall put up with the long name for the moment, but as soon as the opportunity presents itself, look out for iMobar.

And if anyone was wondering, our trans-hemispherical relocation to Australia went fairly smoothly, although one gets the sneaking suspicion that it has been somewhat misrepresented to us as a lawless tax haven filled with violent, uncouth alcoholics who share a fondness for gambling and casual buggery; the tax rate is considerably higher than Britain. Lamentably, we don’t really have the capital or the patience for another move, so it’s g’day this and strewth that for the moment. On that note, stay tuned for Eoinín’s first experience with the retail industry in Australia, you flamin’ bunch of drongos.