Hipsters showed 'absolute elitism' by swimming into baited bogan trap

Written by Peter File

TRENDY hipsters in skinny jeans who made elitist gestures from inside a baited bogan trap whilst their friend stood on top of the cage eating organic feta were criticised for their "absolute elitism" by furious authorities in the Northern Territory.

Bogans - considered by most historians to be the true natives of Australia - have become a major pest of late, especially in the waterways of the Northern Territory. Tourists have complained that drunken bogans, generally piloting jet skis, have behaved in a menacing fashion and encouraged female tourists to expose their breasts.

Authorities have responded by setting traps baited with six packs of Bundaberg rum and coke, Lleyton Hewitt calendars and Ed Hardy t-shirts. After successful capture, the bogans are generally released in bogan-friendly locations, such as the Australian F1 Grand Prix, or a casino.

An image of the three bogan-mocking hipsters, all wearing Ray-Ban Wayfarers or horn-rimmed glasses with no lenses, surfaced yesterday after being posted on Monobook - an obscure social networking website where members convey emotions by posting images of their left eyebrow in binary code.

The photo shows one hipster atop the floating metal cage listening to music of a yet to be discovered genre on a community radio station that doesn’t transmit on FM or AM, and two more hipsters inside, eating a dish from a country that you haven’t heard of and probably never will, you ape.

Northern Territory Parks and Wildlife rangers have labelled the act as "a typical load of southern wankery."

"It won't be tolerated anymore," senior ranger and self-appointed bogan guardian Bruce Leonard said. "If they want to be edgy, they should stick to creating unauthorised inner city art installations that become nutritious organic meals for the homeless once they have bypassed their cultural relevance."

"Mocking bogans is like shooting fish in a barrel. Or a cage."

"We will investigate this case and if we find out who they are, they will be punished accordingly.

"The agency has zero tolerance with hipsters interfering with bogan traps.”

Offenders could be banned from owning vinyl records or forced to live in a mock Tudor mansion in a housing estate with palm trees, the Northern Territory Parks and Wildlife Conservation Act states.

EXCLUSIVE: Aussie pilgrimage tipped to see Schapelle Corby become a saint

Written by Craig Lovato

THOUSANDS of Australians are expected to descend on Bali next year to see convicted drug smuggler Schapelle Corby become the nation's first saint.

Pope Benedict XVI is due to soon confirm he will canonise the Gold Coast’s favourite daughter in a special service on Kuta Beach. Preparations are already underway after the Pope on the weekend decreed Corby's second miracle.

Corby had earned her stripes to become a saint and all Australians should try to behave more like her, self-confessed party animal and occasional Archbishop of Sydney Cardinal George Pell said today.

Cardinal Pell said Our Schapelle fought many battles with rival drug syndicates when establishing the infamous Sisters of Surfers Paradise, and should probably be seen as a role model for young women.

“At times she was treated badly, and what was remarkable about her was she was still able to remain firmly in control of an extremely profitable exportation syndicate,” Cardinal Pell giggled through a cloud of funny-smelling smoke to a group of reporters this morning.

“Probably the best thing we can do to preserve Schapelle Corby's memory is to try to act like she did.

“Try to disregard the laws of foreign countries where possible, and if the man gets all up in your face and starts hassling you, just say you didn’t do it.”

Cardinal Talksalot went on to say that Schappers had “earned her stripes” and the decree of her second miracle was “a shot in the arm for the Australian people, or at least the bogans amongst youse.”

Jubilant crowds from around the world will be drawn in to see several other misunderstood entrepreneurs be made saints at the same time, including Howard Marks, George Jung and former Colombian political lobbyist Pablo Escobar.

Australian pilgrims will all have a special matching item of clothing to show their support for Corby.

Sister Mercedes Corby, who led the canonisation campaign, said canonisation services were “heaps good, ay, they’re grouse!”

“All them other groups have their own symbols,” said Sr Mercedes, who attended a canonisation earlier this year and said it “went off”.

“Some of them wear scarves, some of them wear hats and some have backpacks and shit.

“We're looking at it. It has to be something that can be easily brought here to Indonesia and not attract too much attention from customs.”

Before the Pope emerges for the service, there are readings about the lives of those who are about to be canonised and ceremonial peace pipes lit in their honour.

Sr Mercedes said: “I'll be getting some tickets, so youse can get them off me if you want, but youse can just get them from Ticketek too, ay.

“There’s usually no limits because there’s shitloads of room at Kuta. But get there early so youse get a good seat.”

The second miracle relates to a literary agent having his job saved after more than 100 copies of Corby’s autobiography, I Didn’t Do It, Ay, were sold this year.

“He wants to remain unknown for the moment because he wants the focus to be on Schapelle,” Sr Mercedes said. “And her book.”

A little old lady got mutilated late last night

Written by Annette Curtain

JOURNALISTS with a fondness for ridiculously sensational articles belong in tabloid rags, but researchers have discovered an eerie spike in broadsheet journalists drawing unreasonably long bows during the Christmas period.

Extremely clever experts looked at the cases of 91 scotch-sodden newsmen who turned in articles during December that would normally accompany pictures of stuff that caught on fire, tits, or tits that caught on fire.

Of these 91 who were seen over a 12-month period, they found that 21 (23 per cent) turned in excruciatingly stupid pieces during December - about double the number of cases seen during the rest of the year.

The study's authors, who were probably from a university or something, suggested their findings would most likely be ironically quoted out of context and transformed into the kind of dross that someone nursing a hangover from an office Christmas party would be looking for on a Monday morning.

Professional expert on cleverness Jennifer Dowsing, lead author of the study published today in the Journal of Serious Stuff Australia, said explanations for December Syndrome included the idea that as a typical journalist’s body contained 70 per cent scotch, the increase in workplace drinking during December would render the hacks so drunk that they would be capable only of picking out the most interesting word in a press release and then crafting a catchy headline and quasi-article around said word.

"Some of these journalists, they get steaming drunk because they know nobody is reading the paper, and they’re on holiday soon," she wrote. “P.S. WEREWOLVES LOL WTF!”

"Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes."

Written by El Patrón

VENEZUELAN police officers are responsible for committing approximately a fifth of all crimes, said a government minister who was murdered by a policeman shortly after giving the interview. The official said police officers accounted for 15-20 percent of all crimes, notably major felonies such as kidnapping and murder.

Police Chief Raul Midon said he was extremely disappointed with the figures, and would be aiming for around the 50 percent mark next time.

Midon went on to reveal that he and his men were already discussing the diversification of their criminal activities so as to include drug trafficking, prostitution, racketeering and heavy sack beatings.

Prize fight cancelled, undying love blamed

Written by Vortman De Ville

TOUGH guys fall in love too, or so it would seem. Professional punch swingers Danny Jones and Roy Green jnr have shocked the boxing world by calling off their much anticipated fight, with Green blaming “a burning passion which neither of us can ignore any longer”.

Posing for the media throng at today’s weigh-in, Jones and Green were unable to maintain the traditional stare-off, both becoming transfixed by the gaze of one another before passionately kissing.

“I just lost myself in his eyes,” stammered a flustered Jones. “One moment we were just standing there with our shirts off, looking at each other, and then we were kissing.”

Surprisingly, it was Green’s trainer, Lucius McDonald, who called off the fight. A four-decade veteran of the sport, McDonald claimed that once a boxer fell for another boxer, his career was over.

“I seen it before, yeah. Nothin’ to do with sustained head trauma, it’s just biology. You spend enough time in a ring with another man, things happen.” McDonald explained. “That’s life. You’re a lover, or you’re a fighter.”