Migrants predicted to steal the souls of white folk by 2050, expert warns

Written by Peter File

WAVE upon wave of shifty, jihad-loving, Chiko Roll-hating immigrants plan to infiltrate and destroy Australia, a man has revealed. Dr Bob Birrell, president of the Australian Tabloid Sound Bite Institute, is the lone voice of reason in a filthy, amoral world that lost its way a long time ago.

Extensively researched research, carried out by Dr Birrell, proves that the days of having to worry about immigrants stealing your job, unemployment benefits and sexual partner are almost over. Unfortunately for lovers of freedom and meat pies, things are about to get a whole lot worse.

A new breed of immigrant, unsatisfied with the billions of taxpayer dollars showered upon it by bleeding-heart do-gooders with a penchant for shitake mushrooms floating in glasses of chardonnay, craves more. Saliva dripping from its yellowed, state-run teeth, the neo-immigrant fixes its crazed stare upon everything that you hold dear: the AFL, stubby-holders, utes with southern cross stickers, lamingtons, and yes, even David Boon.

The neo-immigrant wants all of these sacred items, though not to appreciate them as any decent Australian would. Not unlike the evil terminator in the Terminator movie franchise, it just wants to destroy you and all your stuff.

Dr Birrell said he was pleased as punch that journalists were drawing their own conclusions from his research, which clearly shows that by 2050, immigrants will probably number about 8 billion, and will almost certainly have enslaved white Australians and forced them to mine for weird immigrant minerals in the desert.

Flaunting his bipartisan credentials, Dr Birrell laid the blame for the imminent downfall of Australian society squarely at the expensive Italian leather shoes covering the feet of “Labor elites”, whom he thinks are more concerned with an immigration policy that will appease the hand-wringing pooves at their next short film festival, where they will undoubtedly serve delicate canapés and fizzy glasses of white guilt.