Government anti-drug campaign up in smoke, hippies amused

Written by Vortman De Ville

EMBARRASSED Australian Government health department officials have admitted that their most recent anti-drugs campaign may have slightly missed the mark. The latest “Marijuana: what a waste” campaign depicts a dishevelled youth, presumably stoned to within an inch of his life, contemplating his own unrealised potential as a world champion swimmer. The message is simple: smoke dope, relinquish dreams of sporting glory.

This was no doubt news to Michael Phelps, who somehow found time between smoking bongs and listening to Willie Nelson albums to win a record eight gold medals at the Beijing Olympics.

The health department issued a statement claiming that many other sports had been considered but were discounted after research uncovered a litany of substance-addled sports people, including but not limited to: dope-smoking sprinters and snowboarders, ecstasy-abusing rugby players, coked-up soccer players, and Dock Ellis, the US baseball player who once managed to pitch a no-hitter despite, by his own admission, being under the influence of LSD for the duration of the game.

Dr Frank Putney, department chief, dismissed rumours from the press gallery that swimming had been chosen after a junior staffer suggested that it would be impossible to smoke marijuana underwater.

Dr Putney similarly refused to be drawn on suggestions the department will use the same image with amended text for the remainder of the campaign, nor whether or not the slogan being considered is “Marijuana: it gives you man boobs”.

Michael Phelps refused to comment or giggle uncontrollably.