Straight Outta Melbourne: From the CPT to the ALP

Written by Peter File

LEATHERY former Prime Minister Bob “Punter” Hawke once famously wagered $500 on the larger of two blowflies crawling up the wall of his office. The proud Australian tradition of betting on dunny budgies is unremarkable in itself, until one considers the fact that prior to laying money down, Hawke had witnessed Paul Keating (treasurer at the time) flicking the fly in question with a wet tea towel. Undeterred and well-known for his love of an underdog, Hawke slapped his money down and watched in delight as the now mono-winged creature staged an improbable come from behind victory.

Until today, this was considered by most pundits to have been the biggest gamble ever taken in Australian politics. Fittingly, it is the Labor Party that has rewritten the history books again. Just two days out from one of the closest elections ever, they have disendorsed Cath Bowtell, their candidate for the seat of Melbourne, and replaced her with Ice Cube, former member of seminal gangsta rap ensemble NWA.

Labor heavyweights and political analysts are split on the move; Kerry O’Brien labelled it as “unadulterated political genius”, whilst heavyweight Laurie Oakes described it as “electoral suicide in its purest form”.

The precise reason for the sudden switch in candidates is not entirely clear as yet, however some have suggested that Labor strategists were concerned that Bowtell was perceived as being soft on crime and punishment. Cube, on the other hand, has made it abundantly clear that he intends to base the majority of his policies around crime and punishment. This is expected to play well in Melbourne, which is currently experiencing a large spike in serious assaults, robberies, and serious assaults and robberies with large spikes.

Opposition leader Tony Abbott struggled to find fault with Cube’s tough stance on absolutely everything, instead criticising the hastily prepared campaign material. Abbott’s previous admission that “I’m no Bill Gates” was reinforced after he claimed that Labor staffers had “clearly used some sort of high-tech computer version of Clag and a photocopier” to attach Cube’s head to a white woman’s body.

A Labor spokesperson criticised Mr Abbott for attempting to bring skin colour into the debate, but acknowledged some campaign material had undergone minor editing with Microsoft Paint due to budget constraints. Cube later issued a profanity-laden statement that described the opposition leader as a “nuttin’ but a mark-ass sucka who probably gonna get got if he keep runnin’ his mouth like that”.