Ducks on lake: witnesses horrified, say they were eating soggy bread too

Written by Annette Curtain

TRAUMATISED park-goers have bravely recounted their own experiences of what shall henceforth be known as Wet Tuesday, one of the darkest and soggiest days in Australia’s history. Shortly after midday on Tuesday, reports began to emerge that ducks had been sighted on several lakes across the country, openly paddling and in some cases – quacking and eating soggy bread.

Tony Burke, Federal Minister for Sustainability, Environment, Water, Population, Communities and Whatever Else You’ve Got, slammed the ducks for what he described as a “cynical bread grab” and said park enthusiasts had every right to be sickened and appalled by the behaviour of the waterbirds.

“I think working families who enjoy a walk in the park deserve a lot better, especially on Melbourne Cup day…it’s no wonder Australian mums and dads are so fed up with ducks when you see this sort of thing going on.”

Adding insult to injury, authorities have revealed they are powerless to act against the ducks that orchestrated the mass paddle-in. Having fled the country, the arrogant mallards remain at large, leaving behind a plethora of traumatised park-goers and a trail of soggy bread. There are rumours that the ducks have flown in a southerly direction, possibly in a V formation, in what will seem to their victims as an all too convenient seasonal migration.

While those who were exposed to the orgy of quacking expect to be in therapy for quite some time, others who regularly patronise parks have signalled their intent to vote with their feet and visit locations that are uninviting to ducks.

“We’ve had a bloody gutful of these bloody ducks,” said Keith, a working father of five from Narre Warren. “After a hard week at work, I just want to take the family to a large body of water without having to deal with bloody ducks terrorising us. So we’re switching from a lake to a pond; we definitely think we’ll be better off.”