Letters From The Editor: Bear vs Lion

To Whom In The Watchtower It May Concern,

I write in response to the pamphlet one of your willing servants recently placed in my letterbox. I understand that you may distribute many of these unsolicited gems across our fair land, so to narrow it down, this particular pamphlet was entitled “Life in a Peaceful New World”. Despite the temptation, I have no intention of judging you for your bizarre use of italics and bold, lest I be judged.

Before I reach my point, however, I must take issue with your policy of not providing an email address for correspondence. What is this, The Dark Ages? Every other cult on the planet has an email address, what makes you so special? If you’re going to drop unsolicited religious material in letterboxes, it’s only fair that you receive unsolicited emails from the many daughters of the former Nigerian finance minister like the rest of us. Anyhow, enough digression. The point.

I consider animal safety to be one of the most overlooked and important issues that we as a species face today. As the housing estate-covered tentacles of humanity creep further into the wild, it is inevitable that Man shall come into contact with all manner of beasts, some of which cannot be neutralised by conventional jet-ski attacks alone. These creatures cannot be tamed, unless they are raised by humans, have their teeth and claws removed at birth and their jaws wired shut.

Whilst I understand the necessity of conveying a harmonious, strife-free utopia to potential disciples, the illustrations contained within this pamphlet serve only to obfuscate and put the slow-witted at risk of being disembowelled by a hairy brute with paws the size of dinner plates. Perhaps the only accuracy in the scene depicting a woman and child petting and hand-feeding a grizzly bear is the expression on the face of the deer: partly shocked by the gross stupidity on display, but equally delighted there won’t be enough room in the bear’s stomach for a third course.

When you look at the scene on this tract, what feelings do you have? Does not your heart yearn for the peace, happiness, and prosperity seen there? Surely it does. But is it just a dream, or fantasy, to believe these conditions will ever exist on earth?


Let me answer your questions with several questions of my own: in which parallel universe would a father think it wise to wave his infant daughter under the snout of a lion? Have I been misinformed about your beliefs and practices, and is this man in actual fact offering a child sacrifice to your lion god? Do you honestly believe that a lion and a bear could share the same territory for more than five seconds without becoming embroiled in a fracas of epic proportions?

Frankly, this is by far one of the most preposterous, ill-considered and downright dangerous pamphlets I have ever come across. Bear and lion awareness in Australia is already at a treacherously low level, and this manner of tripe does nothing but assist its plummet to the bottom.

If Surf Life Saving Australia produced a pamphlet depicting floaty-clad children frolicking in the shallows with great white sharks and kraken, along with text suggesting that such harmony would be possible if people would only swim between the flags, they would be quite rightly be hung, drawn and quartered.

Cherish these halcyon days of irresponsible drawings and unaccountable junk mail, you cheeky Witnesses of Jehovah, because I can assure you they are numbered. The immunity you are afforded whilst clad in the cloak of religion shall last only as long as this country lacks a leader who has lost a loved one to the jaws of a beast that inhabits the pinnacle of the food chain.

Yours in artistic integrity,


Eoinín McAlpine