BILLIONAIRE and all around nice guy Gerry Harvey claims to have irrefutable proof that Australians shopping online are solely responsible for the imminent apocalypse and expected destruction of the planet.Earlier this week, Harvey and several other members of his retail oligarchy took out full-page newspaper advertisements to warn the public that continuing to make online purchases of under $1000 would lead to a gruesome end for the human race, with demonic pterodactyls and fiery pits of molten lava almost a certainty.
Undeterred by the well-financed prophecies of Harvey and his grim band of doomsayers, several online retailers decided to tempt fate by targeting Australian consumers with “Nothing over $1000!” sales.
Infuriated by what he saw as a blatant and callous disregard for Mother Earth, Harvey cited several recent cases of previously unexplainable instances of mass animal deaths around the world that he now believes are the work of online shoppers.
Flocks of birds, casts of crabs and schools of fish have all died en masse in the past week, baffling scientists and setting the loins of conspiracy theorists a tingling.
Harvey wore a black cloak as he presented the evidence at a press conference this morning, ominously announcing, “It hath begun…” before bowing his head and slowly pacing off stage whilst reciting various unintelligible but presumably ancient prayers for mercy.
1 comments:
A little bit of wee came out.
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